Three newly married couples meet up in a hotel on their honeymoon, the three new brides all start talking about the size of the church, the Cake, the dresses, and generally trying to outdo each other.
The three new grooms all discuss what they are going to do to their new wives that night, after chatting for a while they all agree that to discuss what they did with their wives would only lead to arguements if the wives found out, so they all agree that in the morning at breakfast they would order a slice of toast to let each other know how many times they had their wife that night.
The following morning they are all sitting at breakfast and the waiter approaches the first husband and asks would he like toast
"Of course" he says "I will have 3 slices".
The other two grooms smile at each other.
The waiter approaches the second husband and ask "would sir like toast"
The groom replies "but of course i will have 4 slices"
The other two grooms smile.
The waiter approaches the third groom with the same question.
The third groom not to be outdone replies of
"Of course, I will have 5 slices Oh' and make two of them brown.
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
There's a new Barbie doll on the market...
She has no house, no car, no clothes, no money, no make-up, no food, .. The only thing she comes with is AIDS.
They're calling her Zimbarbie
Minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
During last night's high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree. A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said "We didn't even know they were living up there".
Nintendo have brought out a game where a 14 year old runs around the streets of Glasgow robbing houses, burning cars, and stabbing people. It's called 'Wii B*****d'
My Chinese mate had a girlfriend named Lorraine, but he was cheating on her with another girl called Claire Lee.
Unfortunately, Lorraine died. At her funeral, my mate stood up and sang, ''I can see Clair Lee now Lorraine has gone''...
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'..
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
I heard some of my son's mates call my wife a MILF..... Apparently it means a Mom I'd Like to F*ck.
Then a couple of days ago my daughter's mates said your dad's FILF...
I got a bit of a stiffy, then it turned out they'd found my porn collection......
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
"Mr. Muscle, loves the jobs you hate" so they say............
"Bollocks"...that's what i say.....
I bought a bottle of it yesterday and it STILL hasn't shagged my missus!
Brian Cowen (hes the irish PM if you only read the Sun) today announced hes changing the irish emblem from a shamrock to a condom because it more accurately reflets the governments political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you are being screwed!
and irish joke for you guys...but dont worry its coming to the Uk soon enuf!
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