Twas
the night before Christmas, and all through the house, everyone felt
shi***y, even the mouse, Mom on the toilet, and Dad smoking grass, I had
just settled down for a nice piece of ass. When out on the roof I heard
such a clatter, I sprang from my piece to see what was the matter.......There up on the roof, I saw some old pr**k, I
knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick. He came down the chimney like a
bat out of Hell. I knew in an instant, the f**ker had fell. He filled
all the stockings with whiskey and beer, and a big rubber dick for my
brother the queer. He rose up the chimney with a thundering fart. The
son of a b***h blew my chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he rode
out of sight. "P**s on you all, its been one hell of a night!"
Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin, or my younger brother HoChaChu. But I think it's Colin.
Some people that were held hostage in Somalia have released a DVD about their ordeal.
Cheeky beggas want 29.99 for it.
I'm gonna wait for the pirate copy ...........
i was sat in front room watching television, my wife came in and sat down next to me and asked what was on the tv? so i answered 'dust'.... and thats when the fight started.
it was my wifes birthday today, she was all excited. so i asked what would she like to to today. she answered i would like to go somewhere were i have'nt been in a very long time..... so i answered how about the kitchen?
The Priest's Question
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he
kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before
mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was
missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned
his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has
anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Hawaii Vacation
There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to
spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do
so. One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they
would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.
They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year.
After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their
dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their
savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put
$20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00
bills."
The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?
This place is a mess! C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
You'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!
What a man hears...
blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!
YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!
blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah
blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah
blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!
The Priest's Question
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he
kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before
mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was
missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned
his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has
anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
Dead Pussy
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
I have a dead pussy.
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
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