On the morning after returning from honeymoon, a husband made his new wife breakfast in bed. " Have you noticed what I've done ?" asked the husband as he handed her the tray. " Every detail, darling," confirmed his delighted wife. " Good," he replied. " From now on, thats how I want my breakfast served every morning."
English guy is driving through the back roads of rural Ireland, he pulls over and shouts to Paddy
" excuse me can you tell me the quickest way to Dublin"
Paddy walks over and says " Dooblin you say" mmhh are ye walking or droiving" he asks?/
"Driving" the English man says
"Aye sure" paddy says "driving sure thats the quickest way to Dooblin"
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.
She was admired for her sweetness and kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.
The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?'
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->Since it has been snowing so bad recently, all my wife does is stand there looking through the window... If it keeps up, I' suppose I'll have to let her in,........
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Woman with a clipboard knocked at my door and asked if i would pay for an african child this christmas....
I said we normally have a turkey , but bugger it i'll try anything once.
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
I got arrested again for punching my wife....
The judge asked why i keep beating her...
I told him i think it's the weight advantage, longer reach and superior footwork that helps.
Love those Church Ladies..
They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church
ladies with typewriters. These sentences (with all the BLOOPERS)
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church
services:
-------------------------- The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. -------------------------- The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.' -------------------------- Ladies,
don't forget the rummage sale.. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. -------------------------- Remember
in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who
is hard to love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you. -------------------------- Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. -------------------------- Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. -------------------------- For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs. -------------------------- Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. -------------------------- Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. -------------------------- A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. -------------------------- At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice -------------------------- Eight
new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones. -------------------------- Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. -------------------------- Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. -------------------------- The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. -------------------------- Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow. -------------------------- The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. -------------------------- This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. -------------------------- Ladies
Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. -------------------------- The
pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend
him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday. -------------------------- Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ------------------------- The
eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM.. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy. -------------------------- Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance. -------------------------- The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours".
Condom factory burns down in ENGLAND > > Rt. Hon Andy
Burnham MP MINISTER FOR HEALTH is awakened at 4am by the
telephone. 'Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an
emergency!! I've just received word that the Durex factory in
Liverpool has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire
English supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.' > > Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP: 'Sh*t !! > The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.... We'll be ruined.' > 'We're going to have to ship some in from France?' > > 'Bad idea! The frogs will have a field day on this one.' > > Junior Minister: 'What about Scotland?' > Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP: 'I'll call Alex Salmond.' > Tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. > That way they'll continue to respect the English > Three days later a delighted Andy Burnham MP runs out to open the boxes that arrived at the Post Office. > He finds five million condoms: 10 inches long, 3 inches thick, all coloured blue and white with small writing on each one. > > > MADE IN SCOTLAND - SIZE: MEDIUM >
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie,
leans out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how
many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"
The
shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: "Sure. Why not?" The
yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it
to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where
he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on
his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans
the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then
opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image
processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an
email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data
stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected
Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.
He uploads
all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour,
150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns
to the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".
"That's
right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the shepherd.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd
says to the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your
business is, will you give me back my sheep?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?".
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"
"No
guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew to a question I never asked, and you know f**k-all about my
business."
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb? Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !! I'm sorry. What was the question?
When travelling in extreme weather the government advise that you carry a shovel, a flask, a pair of wellies, some rock salt, a hi viz jacket and a blanket. My mate looked a right fucking Twat on the bus
A blonde chick gets a job as a physical education teacher of 16 year olds She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says. 'Yes.' he says. 'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says. 'It's best I stay here.' he says. 'Why?' says the blonde. The boy says: "Because I'm the f***ing goal keeper!!"
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. 'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !' The doctor then delivered another boy and said, 'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?' The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.' Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.' When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, 'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said, 'I'll tell you, ....it's a f*****n good ting we didn't use Q20
Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives. However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.
The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,
'These damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties.'
'You think that's bad' said the other husband, 'Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her ass that says: 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'
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