Yesterday I
answered a knock on the door, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young
man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I
could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the
very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" I said. "I
haven't got any money!", "I'm broke!" and proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed
it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at
least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of
horse manure on to my hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not
remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, sir, I will
personally eat the remainder ." I stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've
got a good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.
As you age your powers of concentration are diminished - this seems to affect men more often than women.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The degree of loss can be determined by clicking on the link below<o:p></o:p>
http://www.gjk2.com/test/test.swf
This virus is called
Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If
you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will
wipe out your private life completely.
If you should come
into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract
(WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter
(BEER).
Take the antidote
repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from
your system.
You should forward
this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is
controlling your life.
with hearing problems... Doc sez "Can you describe the symptoms to me" "Yes.....Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair!!"
The Nun A cabbie picks up a Nun in San Francisco . She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'
Q: How many women with PMT does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer:
One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? because no one else in this f***n house knows HOW to change a f***n light bulb! They don't even know that the f***n bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE f***n DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the god damned light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the f***n chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME f***n SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO F**er EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATEDFROM THE F***N PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE F***N HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE F***N TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
Katy went to the queen and asked her advice, every time i suck off William his cum gives one acid indigestion! the queen replied has one tried Andrews?
A lesson on how consultants can make adifference in an organization.Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.It seemed a little strange.When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?''Well, 'he explained,'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'"Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?''Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying: "God b less Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?" The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do. "The next day Grandpa died The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?" He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me.
This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch!!
Q. What's the difference between ET and Muslims?A. ET got the point and went home.
Q. Why are there only 2 pallbearers at a Muslim funeral?A. There's only 2 handles on a garbage can.
Q. What do you call a bus with 2 Muslim Extremists falling off a cliff?A. A waste, you could have fit at least 50 in the bus!
Q. What do you call a Muslim between two houses?A. Ali.
Q. When's the only time you should wink at a Muslim?A. When aiming.
A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo.
They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.
He decides to try and thumb a l...ift for his monkeys and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.
"Where are you going ?" asks the Irish chap. "Do us a favour mate and take these to Chester Zoo for me" says the driver, "and here's a hundred quid for your troubles."
"Happy days," says the Irish fella, loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway, still with all the chimps on board.
Panicking, he flags him down again.
"What are you playing at," he fumes, "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"
"I did," says the Irish fella, "but there's still fifty quid left so now we're going to Alton Towers."
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