Doc - "Hello, how can I help you?" Man - "I've got an orange willy!" Doc - "What?" Man - "My willy - it's turned orange." Doc - "Umm... I'll have to look that up. Ah, it seems it could be a sign of stress; do you suffer from stress?" Man - "Not really" Doc - "What about stress at work?" Man - "Well, I did have a nightmare job, a complete idiot for a boss, I worked 80 hours week for pennies and then I got the sack" Doc - "That sounds very stressful." Man - "Yeah, but my new job is great, half the hours, 3 times the salary and I feel really appreciated" Doc - "Hmm, what about your home life?" Man - "Well, my girlfriend was a complete cow, she nagged non-stop and put me down every chance she got." Doc - "That sounds stressful" Man - "Yeah, but I left her and I've never been happier." Doc - "I see, what about your social life?" Man - "Social life? I don't really have one." Doc - "Really? What do you do in your spare time?"
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint
A week passes and he received another parcel and note:
"Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".
The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So, he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a f!$%ing toffee apple"
Fascinate- The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->Went to MC Donald's last night the woman in the drive in said Sorry for the weight sir !I said that's OK Fatty it,ll come off
Elton John was changing the nappy of his new son ...when he turned to his hubby and said ...... David he reminds me of you ! why says David ...... does he have my eyes ? no says Elton .... he's got shit on his dick !
During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, this fellow asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he'd come across was, er, female juices.
"But you're balder than I am," protested the customer.
"True," admitted the barber, "but you've have to admit I've got one hell of a moustache!"
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen.
Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son ...replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that.
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->My scouse mate was sending in a loan application today. He said, "I have a good credit history, I think I'll walk it.""But you're from Liverpool," I said. "You'll never walk a loan."
Taxi ordered already and got my coat on
An old joke, but very fitting for this thread..... Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour: In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." 'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was sh@gging his wife.
George placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and as he started back toward his car, his attention was diverted to this biker kneeling at a grave nearby. The biker seemed to be praying with profound intensity and George could not miss the rivers of tears cascading down his cheeks. The biker also kept sobbing and repeating, 'Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" George approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply; a child; a parent?" The biker took a moment to collect himself, and then replied, 'My wife's first husband"
Found this on another forum thought some of you may like it !
Bristol police investigating the murder of Joanna Yates say the murderer stole one of her socks. Am i the only one thinking Heather Mills?
Just seen an advert on Pornohub that claimed it could 'teach me to have sex without cummin'.I aint payin £25 for that when i could ask my girlfriend how she does it!!!
On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?. "No," said the little boy.............."It's a puppy
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open , but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?' Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?' The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?' The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,'We are in BIG trouble this time,' ...............................................................................'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
A man is stopped by the police at 4 in the morning and asked where he’s going. “I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.” The policeman asks, “Really? And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?” “My wife”, he replied.
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