Clocks
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.""Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" St Peter says, "That's Mother Teresa's clock. The hands did not move, indicating that she told no lies in her lifetime.""Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. Those hands have moved few times, telling us that Abe has told few lies in his life.""Where's Gordon Brown’s clock?" asked the man."Brown’s clock is in Jesus' office,” said St Peter, “He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Mexican Delicacy
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.'The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.Sometimes the bull wins.
**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,****'Hello?'****'Hi honey.****This is Daddy.****Is Mommy near the phone?'** **'No, Daddy.****She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'** **After a brief pause,** **Daddy says,****'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'** **'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,****Right now.'** Brief Pause. **'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.****Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs****And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy****That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'** **'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'** **A few minutes later****The little girl comes back to the phone.** **'I did it, Daddy.'** **'And what happened, honey?' **'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.** **Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser****And now she isn't moving at all!'** **'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'** **'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.** **He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window****And into the swimming pool.****But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water****Last week to clean it.** **He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'** *****Long Pause***** *****Longer Pause***** *****Even Longer Pause***** **Then Daddy says,** **'Swimming pool? ...........** **Is this 486-5731?'* **No, I think you have the wrong number.......*
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she
said, "I bet
you
are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."
He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his
motorcycle and
left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.
A bloke goes to the doctors, and he said hey doc i think im going deaf. The doctor replied what are the symptoms. The bloke said they are the little yellow people on telly....
A boy in the bath with his mum says...."whats that hairy thing mum"
his mum replies " thats my sponge"
"oh yes" said the boy
"the baby sitters got one, i've seen her washing dads face with it " !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
little lad walks in the bathroom and sees his dad putting a condom on, the lad said what u doing dad, feeling a bit embarrassed he said oh, er, well, im catching a mouse, the lad said r u gonna f**k it....
teacher in class said ok children i want u to name me a farmyard animal...
little suzy says a pig,, Miss very good said the teacher,
little mandy says a sheep ,,,,Miss very good,,
little johnny sticks his hand up at tha back and says f**kin cows, teacher says I BEG UR PARDON, he said well my dad calls em heffers but i know what he means....
A biker's greatest achievement was his brood of six kids. He
was so proud
that he continually called his wife: Mother of Six, which pissed her off a
lot. But he kept referring to her as Mother of Six no matter where they
went.
At end of a poker run, he shouted across the bar, "Hey, Mother of Six, you
ready to go home?"
His irritated wife screamed back: "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"
A biker & his wife are celebrating their 50th anniversary.
That night the wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same sexy little
teddy that she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband & says,
"Honey, Do you remember this?"
He looks up at her & says, "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee
the night we were married."
She says, "That's right. Do you remember what you said to me that
night?"
He nods & says, "Yes dear, I still remember."
"Well, what is it?" she asks.
He responds, "Well honey, as I remember, I said, "Ohhhhhhh Baby, I'm
going to suck the life out of those big tits & screw your brains out."
She giggles & says, "Yes honey, that's it. That's exactly what you
said. So, now it's 50 years later, I'm in the same negligee I wore that night.
What do you have to say tonight?"
Again he looks her up & down & finally replies, "Mission
Accomplished."
2 married men are out drinkin and one says to the other...'I can never sneak into my house after I've been out no matter how quiet I am - my wife still wakes up and nags the shit out of me'....
His friend replies...'do what I do - slam the front door, stamp up the stairs, jump into bed, slap her arse and say 'how about a bl*w job?'....bet shes f**king sleeping then......' :-)
Two Women on their way home from a night out.
Two women on their way back from a night out, stop in a graveyard for a pee. One wipes with her knickers, and the other uses a wreath.Their two husbands were in the pub the next day. One says, “I’d better watch my wife”. She came home last night with no knickers on”. The other husband says, “that’s fu-k all, mine had a card wedged in her arse saying, We’ll never forget you. “From all the boys at the fire station.
I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for me. By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found inner peace.
The article read: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started."
So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished... and before coming to work this morning I have finished off a bottle of Bacardi, a bottle of red wine, a bottle of Jack Daniel's, my Prozac, a small box of chocolates and 6 Beers, a can of cider and some cheese. Work has been a lot easier today, let me tell you. You have no idea how good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of Inner Peace...
"When life hands you lemons - Grab the salt & pass the tequila baby"
Little Johny sees his dad in the bath and asks what's that thing called between your legs dad a bit embaressed the dad says "that's my race car son" a few days pass and he uses the bathroom again and his mum is in the shower and he asks "mum what's that thing called between your legs?" embaressed his mum says that's my garage son..........
the weekend arrives and the son is playing with a girl friend from school in his bedroom while his perants are by the pool on the patio... all of a sudden the girls is screaming hysterically and the son is also screaming, so both perants run upstairs to see what is going on.........
Their faces are in total horror as all they see is their son rolling on the floor in obvious agony and there is blood eveywhere, "WHAT HAVE YOU DONE" screams the mum "I was parking my mini in my friends garage and the wheels would not go in so I cut them off with your dress making scissors mum" The lad tearfully replied.
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