A wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'
And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!' And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days. So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.
Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.
I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'
The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'
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Tommy got kicked out of class today!! The teacher asked him, "if I gave you £20 and you paid £5 to Joanne, £5 to Claire and £5 to Katie, what would you have?? Aparently "3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab" was the wrong answer!
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Teacher says to Jimmy, "name 3 fish beginning with the letter K".
Jimmy thought for a minute and said "Koi, Kipper, and Kilmarnock "
Teacher says " What on earth's a Kilmarnock?"
Jimmy replies "it's a plaice in Scotland"
Jack and Jill were just married....... Jack said to Jill "Try on my trousers." Jill said, "I can't do that, they are too big." Jack said, "Exactly, always remember I wear the trousers in this house and always will." Jill said, "You try on my knickers." Jack said, "I'll never get in them." Jill said, "Exactly, and if you don't change your f*cking attitude, you never will"!!
Dad cooks deer for the kids tea, but doesnt tell them what it is. He says "try it and guess what it is.. heres a clue, its something your mother calls me. Little johnny says to his sister "Dont eat it-- Its a f!$%in knob"
After being in prison for 15years, a man escapes. He breaks into a house to look for money&guns but finds a young couple in bed. He orders the man out of the bed ties him to a chair. He tied the girl to the bed and kisses her neck. Then he gets up and goes to the bathroom. The husband tells the wife" listen, this guys a dangerous escaped convict!He probably has'nt seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants to make love to you, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you or he might kill us. Be strong, honey. i love you." The wife responds:"He was'nt kissing my neck.He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey" I love you
A bloke bursting for the loo uses the ladies in posh hotel. He sits down & notices 4buttons: 1.WW 2.WA 3.PP 4.ATR curious, he presses WW & is gently sprayed with warm water, then WA & a blast of warm air dries him. PP & a powder puff which left him smelling fresh. Feeling pampered he presses ATR... He wakes up in hospital & asks the nurse "what the f**k happened?"... she says ATR means Automatic Tampon Remover your c*ck is under your pillow
A large woman wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed,
'Give the ballerina a drink!'
The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons, and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same very hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said,
'Give the ballerina another drink!'
The bartender approached the little drunk and said, *'Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?' The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high..... has got to be a ballerina!'
<wordtidy>Daffy duck on a dirty weekend, he calls reception and asks for condoms.
Receptionist says 'shall i put them on your bill? Daffy replied "dont be thuckin thupid i'd
thuffocate!"........
</wordtidy>
The other day I found myself sat opposite a pretty Thai lady on the train. She was sat with her legs wide open and I soon realised I could see straight up her skirt.
As such, I spent the next five minutes saying to myself, "Please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection ..."
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.<o:p></o:p> Then a politician came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The politician was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen politicians lined up waiting for a free haircut.And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it. BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
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