Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
I bumped into my ex-wife's new husband yesterday.
I was really smug with him and asked how the 2nd hand fanny is.
Cheeky b*st*rd said "fine thanks, after the first 3 inches it's brand new!"
I felt like twattin' 'im
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Midget woman goes to see her GP.
"Doctor, i have a really itchy fanny and it won't stop" she says.
Doc says "hmm, let's have a look", and lifts her skirt up.
"Ah, i see," he says, and gets his scissors and starts snipping away.
"Any better?" he asks,... "yes thanks, but it still itches a bit" she said.
So he snipped a bit more and asked her again.
"Oh doctor that's much better! What did you do?" she asked.
Doctor replies, "i've cut the fur off the top of your ugg boots!"
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Welshman gets washed up on a desert island, with a sheep and a border collie.
After a few days, he starts to get a little bit 'amorous', and has his eye on the (now very cute) sheep.
Now the border collie, being a good sheepdog, protects the sheep and won't let Jonesy anywhere near.
This stand off lasts a couple of weeks and the man is really frustrated, until a gorgeous young woman also gets washed up ashore, stark naked.
Seeing an end to his sexual frustration, Jonesy says to the woman, "you're a gift from above, an absolute life saver!, do me a favour and take this fucking dog for a walk ".
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back.. The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently andcoughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? " 'No,' the woman replied.
I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
Quote by sandi" Slidy, if you highlight the text then choose BLACK from the text colour pallette before you hit the 'post message' button, then it will be black. Does it matter what colour it is.
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. Even under ideal conditions, people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes, I swear I did not make any changes
ROFL, me too
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4--> A rabbit walks into a pub...
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?' The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie. The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves. The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves. The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.' The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down The next night there is standing room only in the pub. Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending. The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman, The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...' The rabbit looks aghast. The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The rabbit looks him in the eye and asks, 'Are you sure I will like it?' You could have heard a pin drop, before the barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.' 'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.' The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie. He then waves to the crowd and leaves... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!! One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar. The barman says, 'Who are you?', To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.' The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous. You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.' The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.' The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.' The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it. The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?' 'I DIED', said the rabbit. 'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?' After a short pause, the rabbit said... 'Mixin-me-toasties.’ I'll get my coat....
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