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A woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went before the judge he asked her: "What did you steal?" She replied: "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches. She replied: "I was hungry". The judge then asked her: "How many peaches were in the can?"She replied: "Six". The judge then said: "I will then give you six days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said: "What is it?" The husband said;......."She also stole a can of peas."
I went down to Social Security this morning to sign up my Dog. The
woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefit". I explained to her
that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no
clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes
to qualify.
PERTH - An SAS trooper collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in east Perth.
The 'Toys-R-Us' Store Manager told 'The West Australian' that man was seen on surveillance cameras last Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the store.
When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door.
Outside were four SAS Troopers collecting toys for the "Toys For Tots" program.
Smith said the Troopers stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.
The suspect was transported by ambulance to the Royal Perth Hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, multiple contusions and assorted lacerations including a broken nose and jaw...
Injuries he apparently sustained when he tripped whilst trying to run after the stabbing.
A wife says to her husband "you decorate like you make love" husband says "what slow smooth strokes, and a professional finish" Wife says "no like the f!$%ing council, you bang it in, leave a mess and i have to finish the f!$%ing job myself"
Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise. They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.' Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.' After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on. Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest. So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?' 'Aye, 'tis. Now hand me that shovel.'
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man walk into a pub. The landlord says, "I can't let yo...u in without a Thai."
A hooker told me i could have sex with her for £10 as she didn't have a womb.
I asked "How would we do it then?".
She said "acwoss the woad against the wailings".
Gentle exercise. I tried it, I liked it, you will too!
The older we get the more important it is to incorporate exercise into our daily routine This is necessary to maintain cardiovascular health and maintain muscle mass.
Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise programme!
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa. Half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe. Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of real value.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain,with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business..
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet. Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like Iran, ruled by nuts.
Designers of the london olympic stadium have been advised to use lower power floodlights than the ones used in China after they noticed that 90% of the crowd seemed to be squinting.
It seems I have been married to a sex maniac for the past 22 years.
He wants sex regardless of what I am doing: Ironing, Washing dishes, Sweeping, even doing E-Mail, etc.
I would like to know if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd funothel gothsl ehj fpslth fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld mpskdli dlks; a;ld ;;'cinsely ous mdyl isnt'dk~0................
I got fired on my first day as a male masseuse today....
Apparently the instruction 'finish off on her face' didn't mean what I thought it did.
A Man walks into WH Smiths & says "Do you have that new self-help book for men with really small dicks?".Girl says "I dont think its in yet" He replies "Yeah thats the one"
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