Two
kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest coward. 1st kid says
"My dad's so scared, when lightening strikes, he hides under the bed."
The 2nd kid laughs & replies, "Yeah that's NOTHING! My dad's such a
wimp, that when my mum works nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next
door!!"
My mate claims he's a "Vision clarity technician".
I said John, "your a window cleaner, if you could have spelt vision clarity technician when we were at school you might have done something with your life and had a career like mine.... As a "domestic refuse relocation engineer".
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered.
The old man asked if they were OK.
"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."
The old man replied, "I thought so... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking my ducks!
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
I saw a muslim driving a van clearly labelled as carrying explosives. Thinking ƍ-11 7-11 7-11' i quickly made him pull over, dragged him out of the cab, and beat the crap out of him with my wheelbrace before he could commit his terrorist outrage.
Now i'm being charged with attempted murder ....
Apparently TNT is a parcel delivery company.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.
Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your Grandma.
An old man was on his death bed.
He wanted badly to take all his money with him.
He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's £30,000 cash to be held by each of you.
I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put £20,000 into the envelope because he needed £10,000 for a new spire.
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put £10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost £20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full £30,000.”
An australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an american tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The australian politely ignored the american,who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The american snapped his gum and said, "you australian folk eat the wholebread?" the australian frowned, annoyed with being botheted during his breakfast, an replied, " of course."
The american blew a huge bubble. " we don't . In the states we only eat whats inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants, and sell them to australia."
The american had a smirk on his face. The australian listened in silence. The american persisted. " D'ya eat jam with the bread?"
Sighing, the australian replied, " of course." cracking his gum between his teeth, the american said, " we don't . In the states we eat fress fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to australia."
The australian asked " do you have sex in the states? " the american smiled and said " why, of couse we do." the australian leaned closer to him and asked " and what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"we throw them away, of course"
Now it was the australians turn to smile, " we don't. In australia, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into gum and sell them to the united states. Why Do you think it is called wrigleys?"
A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.
Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"!!!
A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"
The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"
![Silly jokes (68) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (68) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
