Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Don't send any money to the Japanese tsunami appeal, they're already minted!
I've just seen a bloke getting interviewed on the telly and he has two fuckin' massive boats on his drive !!
A man goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a priest come in: "Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession but I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be". The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!"
Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am, and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.
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A gentleman walks into a bar and orders a couple of drinks after finishing them he says to the barman if I show you something fantastic will you give me another drink.The barman folds his arms and says I’m a barman there’s nothing you could show me that I haven’t already seen.The gentleman takes a deep breath and says watch this, out of his left pocket he takes outa little piano and a stool and then out of his right a frog. He puts the frog on the stool and the frog begins to play, everything from Mozart to popular music now days.The Barman can hardly believe what he sees and is so amazed that he gives the man a drink.The gentleman was delighted and finished his drink but he still felt thirsty so he said to the Barman listen if I show you some thing even better will you give me a bottle.The barman was curious and thought what could possibly be better than a frogplaying Mozart.So he took up the challenge, the gentleman reached into his back pocket and produced a little yellow canary which he put next to the piano.So the Frog played and the canary sang everything from opera to rock and roll and even an Elvis impersonationThe barman through up his arms and laughed I’ve never seen anything like this before and handed the man a bottle. Just as he is about to leave the gentleman looks around to the barman and says I feel rather bad because I wasn’t totally honest with you.The barman is shocked and says I don’t understand. To which the gentleman repliesYou see the canary really can’t sing the frog is a ventriloquist.
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa.
A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door, but on his way up the drive-way, he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.
Not wanting to interrupt these "Chinese customs", he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it.
Not wanting to interrupt another "Chinese custom" he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet another day.
A day later he decides to give it one last go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a cow down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the cow's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese man and says "Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs? I come over to welcome you to the neighbour hood, and see you running around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking it and then today you have your head so close to that cow's bum, it could just about shit on you.
The Chinese man is very taken back and says "Sorry sir, you do not understand; these aren't Chinese customs I am performing, but Australian customs."
"What do you mean mate" says the Aussie, "Those aren't Australian customs."
"Yes they are", replied the Chinese man, "for you see, in order for me to become a true Australian, I must chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit "
Congratulations! You are now the proud new owner of a teenaged daughter. Please read this manual carefully, as it describes the maintenance of your new daughter, and answers important questions about your warranty (which does NOT include the right to return the product to the factory for a full refund.)
IF YOU FEEL YOU HAVE RECEIVED YOUR TEENAGER IN ERROR: To determine whether you were supposed to receive a teenaged girl, please examine your new daughter carefully. Does she (a) look very similar to your original daughter, only with more makeup and less clothing? (b) refuse to acknowledge your existence on the planet Earth (except when requesting money)? (c) sleep in a burrow of dirty laundry? If any of these are true, you have received the correct item. Nice try, though.
BREAK-IN PERIOD: When you first receive your teenaged daughter, you will initially experience a high level of discomfort. Gradually, this discomfort will subside, and you will merely feel traumatized. This is the "Break-In Period," during which you are becoming accustomed to certain behaviors that will cause you concern, anxiety, and stress. Once you have adapted to these behaviors, your teenager will start acting even worse.
ACTIVATION: To activate your teenaged daughter, simply place her in the vicinity of a telephone. No further programming is required.
SHUTDOWN: Several hours after activation, you may desire to shut down your teenaged daughter. There is no way to do this.
CLEANING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Having a teenaged daughter means learning the difference between the words "clean" and "neat." Teenaged daughters are very clean, because they take frequent showers that last more than an hour. They will scrub themselves with expensive, fragrant soaps which you must purchase for them because like I'm sure I'm going to use like the same kind of soap my mom and dad use. When they have completely drained the hot-water tank, they will step out and wrap themselves in every towel in the bathroom, which they will subsequently strew throughout the house. If you ask them to pick up the towels, you are confusing "clean" with "neat." Teenagers are very busy and do not have time to be neat. They expect others to pick up after them. These others are called "parents."
FEEDING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Your teenaged daughter requires regular meals, which must be purchased for her at restaurants because she detests everything you eat because it is like so disgusting. She does not want you to accompany her to these restaurants, because some people might see you and like I'm sure I want my friends to see me eating dinner with my parents. Either order take-out food or just give her the money, preferably both. If you order pizza, never answer the doorbell because the delivery boy might see you and ohmigod he is so hot. Yes, your daughter's idea of an attractive man is the pizza boy.
CLOTHING YOUR TEENAGED DAUGHTER: Retailers make millions of dollars a year selling stylish and frankly sensible clothing which will look adorable on your daughter. If you enjoy shopping, you will love the vast selections which are available to you. Unfortunately, your teenaged daughter wants to dress like a lap dancer. You may be able to coërce her into putting on a cute outfit before leaving the house, but by the time she walks in the schoolhouse door, she will be wearing something entirely different.
OTHER MAINTENANCE: Teenaged daughters require one of two levels of maintenance: "High," and "Ultra High." Your daughter is "Ultra High." This means that whatever you do won't be enough and whatever you try won't work.
WARRANTY: This product is not without defect because she has your genes, for heaven's sake. If you think this is not fair, talk to your parents, who think it is hilarious. Your teenaged daughter will remain a teenager for as long as it takes for her to become a woman, which in her opinion has already happened and as far as you are concerned never really will. If you are dissatisfied with your teenaged daughter, well, what did you expect? In any event, your warranty does not give you your little girl back under any circumstances, except that deep down she's actually still there-you just have to look for her.
Entertaining the old folk.
It was entertainment night at the Care Home.Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you all into a trance. I intend to hypnotise each and every member of the audience.'The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. The polished metal gleamed in the light.Claude the hypnotist said: 'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations.'He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, 'Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...'The crowd became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth, light shimmering off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, shattering into a hundred pieces..........................'SHIT!' said the hypnotist.It took 3 days to clean up the Care Home......
A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos. Unfortunately he now has a problem with squatters.....
I went dogging with the wife last night.
Never again.
By the time she`d finished parking the car everyone had f!$%ed off home !!!!
A ranch woman takes her three sons to the doctor for physicals for the first time in their lives.
The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings (BB's) and mixes them into their food.
Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing BB's. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping BB's. Again, she says that it is ok.
That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says "Ma, you won't believe what happened". She says "I know, you're passing BB's". "No", he says. "I was out behind the barn jacking off and I shot the dog".
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Good to know things are looking up over there now, and they're getting into party mood.
Some guy was on telly talking about a "huge a rave" this morning.
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