A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got up early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: * the Death Slide, * the Wall of Fear, * the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, * every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a * a Happy Meal * with extra fries * and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: * the latest Star Wars epic, * a hot dog, * popcorn, * all the Coke she could drink, * and her favourite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you f*****g tw*t" The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.
The Value of a Drink"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drinkI feel shame. Then I look into the glass and thinkabout the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopesand dreams. If I didn't drink this wine, they might be outof work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let theirdreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."~ Jack HandyWARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man." The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"
Last night police were called to a branch of Pizza Hut after a body of a member of staff was found covered in mushrooms, onions ham and cheese. The police spokesman said that there was a strong possiblity that the man had topped himself.
The other day, my partner and I bought our small son a jigsaw to keep him occupied while we went out.
Imagine our surprise when, four hours later, we came back to find that he had cut his fingers off!!
ok last one...
Bloke wants his 70 year old wife dead. He asks a hitman how he would do it.
He says "I would shoot her below the left nipple"
Bloke says "I want her dead, not knee capped!"
Old lady goes to the doctors and says she wants viagra for her husband
Doc says it comes in 3 strengths
25% semi hard
50% very hard
100% rock hard
She says 25% will do it's only to stop him peeing on his slippers.
LONDON LAWYER V GLASGOW COP A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from LONDON and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cops expense!! Glasgow cop says, ' Licence and registration, please.'London Lawyer says, 'What for?'Glasgow cop says, 'Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.' London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'Glasgow cop says, 'Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please.'London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?' Glasgow cop says, 'The difference is, ye huvte to come to complete stop, that's the law, Licence and registration, please!'London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.' Glasgow cop says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'The London Lawyer exits his vehicle. The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the f*ck out of the lawyer and says 'Dae ye want me to stop, or just slow doon?'
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny!--
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs.. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'
'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs . Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes , I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'
'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted
Mr Honda, of the Honda Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to Heaven for judgement. At the gates, St Peter told Mr Honda "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven." Mr Honda thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God. I have a question for Him. St Peter took Mr Honda to the Throne Room and introduced him to God, "Aren't you the inventor of women?" he asked. God said "Ah, yes!" "Well" said Mr Honda, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention; 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front end protrusion 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much 4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust 5. The monthly down time and aggravation are outrageous And I don't even wanna start talking about the maintenance costs!" "Hmmmm, you do raise some good points" replied God "hold on". God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few things and waited for the results. After a moment god said, "Well it may be true that my invention seems to be flawed, but according to these statistics, more men are riding my invention than yours!"
Blond medical terminologyArtery -- Study of paintingsBacteria -- Back door of cafeteriaBarium -- What doctors do when treatment failsBowel -- Letter like A.E.I.O.UCaesarean section -- District in RomeCat scan -- Searching for kittyCauterize -- Made eye contact with herColic -- Sheep dogComa -- A punctuation markCongenital -- FriendlyD&C -- Where Washington isDiarrhea -- Journal of daily eventsDilate -- To live longEnema -- Not a friendFester -- QuickerFibula -- A small lieG.I. Series -- Soldiers' ball gameGrippe -- SuitcaseHangnail -- CoathookImpotent -- Distinguished, well knownIntense pain -- Torture in a teepeeLabor pain -- Got hurt at workMedical staff -- Doctor's caneMorbid -- Higher offerNitrate -- Cheaper than day rateNode -- Was aware ofOutpatient -- Person who had faintedPelvis -- Cousin of ElvisPost operative -- Letter carrierProtein -- Favoring young peopleRectum -- It almost killed himRecovery room -- Place to do upholsteryRheumatic -- AmorousScar -- Rolled tobacco leafSecretion -- Hiding anythingSeizure -- Roman emperorSerology -- Study of knighthoodTablet -- Small tableTerminal illness -- Sickness at airportTibia -- Country in North AfricaTumor -- An extra pairUrine -- Opposite of you're outVaricose -- Located nearbyVein -- Conceited
![Silly jokes (7) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (7) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
