CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient. Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly. Better to be pissed off than pissed on. Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts. Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion. Man who runs in front of car gets tyred, man who runs behindcar gets exhausted. Man who eats many prunes get good run for money. War does not determine who is right, it determines who isleft. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.. It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fillit. Man who drives like hell is bound to get there. Man who stands on toilet is high on pot. Man who live in glass house should change clothes inbasement. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs. Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. . . "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early??
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her lady boss!! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
"No way", the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday."
Ha Ha Harley Riders
A tough looking group of Harley Davidson bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop. The leader, a big burly man from Sydneys west, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give us all a kiss?"
So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering sensual kiss.
After she's finished, the lead biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had and all my mates reckon the same. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous!! Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"
My youngest Daughter came home last night half an hour late.
I can tell you I was getting a bit worried.
I said where the Hell have you been till now young lady.
She said look dad i can explain come outside and have a look.
I went outside and she pointed and said.
Look Dad I have got a lovely settee to replace our knackered one.
Where did you get it I said ?
I got it off this man throwing it away just down the street.
She Said.
WELL I WENT APESHIT !
What have i told you about taking "Suites" from Strangers! I said.
What A Coincidence ...
> > A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne.> > The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"> > "What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating." > "This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.> > "What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynecologist told me that I'm pregnant!" > "What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs." > "That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
> "I used a different cock," he replied. > The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence..."
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning,can you believe that 2:30am?!Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.Suddenly a Hearse and two Funeral Cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up,takes off his cap and bows his head.When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on,sits back down and carries on fishing.His mate turns to him and says," Dave, that's one of the nicest most respectful things I've ever seen "Dave replies," Well we were married for nearly 20 years "
Three
bodies turn up at a mortuary all with smiles on their faces,the
policeman doin the paperwork asks the coroner "why are they all
smiling?". Coroner says" 1st guy,died of a heart attack shagging his
secret lover,hence the smile,the 2nd guy, he won the lottery spent it
all on drugs and whisky,he died of alcohol poisoining hence his
smile,the 3rd guy,paddy from dublin,he was struck by lightening. The cop
asks"but why the fuck was he smiling?," the coroner say's" cos he
thought he was havin his photo taken".………
A new biscuit range has hit the shops, they are called 'clitoris creams'
They guarantee "One lick and you'll want to eat the box"
(The ginger ones are an aquired taste apparently)
Peter
invites his mum for tea,she notices his flat mate joe is a bit camp and
although she suspected peter is gay he denies anything is going on and
that they are only flatmates. A week later joe say's to peter "ever
since ur mam came for tea i can't find the frying pan," peter emails his
mum and says"dear mum,i'm not saying u DID tak...e the frying pan,and i'm not saying u DID NOT take the frying pan,but it's been missing ever since u came for tea,love peter. His
mum replies "Dear son i'm not saying u DO sleep with joe and i'm not
saying U DONT sleep with joe,but if he was sleepingin his own bed he
would have found the frying pan by now you little bent bastard...love
mum.,
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.
Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but...
Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your dick was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new dick that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
Paddy stumbles across a mass baptism at a river. He walks into the river and stands next to the preacher "Are you ready to find Jesus my son?"...Paddy says "I am sir" Preacher puts him under the water then says "Have you found Jesus?"..."No sir"...He puts him under for longer..."Have you found Jesus?"..."No sir"... He puts him under for 2 minutes..."Have you found Jesus?"...Paddy says "Are you f*cking sure this is where he fell in?!!!!
Jack Jones In: Lincolnshire bas
Posts: 1468
Karma:
Paddy gets a letter in the post this morning,
it lands on the floor, it says on the envelope DO NOT BEND , hes still standing there to this day wondering how the f*** hes going to pick it up..........
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