<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->Tesco Pharmacy One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike "My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose Id better see a Doctor!" Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies 'There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Club card points". So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco. He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks". That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposited five pounds, poured in his concoction, and awaited the results. The computer whirred for a little longer than he expected then printed the following: 1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet 3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 5) Your wife is pregnant with twins; they aren't yours. Get a lawyer. ... 6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better... Thank you for shopping at Tesco.
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I quizzed him on it he reckoned it's not a problem as he could stop any time.....
I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him infront of a train. He was chuffed to bits.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it...I thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could checkher balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.
A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'
My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70 each!!!B*ll*cks to this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield .3.1415927 dead
I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind agravestone. "Morning." I said. "No" he replied, "just having a pee."
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.’I bought her some bathroom scales.
Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it.... I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.
Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried."What's the matter?" I asked."I've got the big C,"he said."What, cancer?""No, dyslexia."
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
A Scottish paedophile has raised a dispute with eBay.
He claims that the Wii GameBoy he received isn't what he was expecting.
I got some new aftershave today that smells like breadcrumbs. The birds love it!
The Prime Minister, David Cameron, has announced that he intends to make it more difficult to claim benefits. From next week, all the forms will be printed in English.
I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself ‘that guy’s heading for a breakdown’.
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign that said ‘English speaking Doctor’ - I thought, 'What a good idea, why don’t we have them in our country?'
The lead actor in the local pantomime, Aladdin, was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him
1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.. 2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. 3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act 4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers. 5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.. 6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). 7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings. 8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 9.. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. 10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. 11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. . The aisle people also are very surly folk. 12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold. 13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug. 15... Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly. 17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. 19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.
Man Staggers into a Hospital with Concussion, Multiple Bruises, Two Black Eyes and a 5 Iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
The Doctor asked 'What happened to you?'
Well I was playing Golf with the wife when we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cows. I found one stuck in a cows fanny, I yelled to my wife 'this looks like yours' . . . . . . . . . 'I dont remember much after that!'
Read this in a local free booklet through the door tonight, just had share it.
He had just three days left before his wife and her new boyfriend moved into his home, following a bitter court case, in which her lawyer proved much better than his.
He spent the first day packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their besautiful dinning room table by candle light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water. When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rails. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left...
When the wife returned with her new boyfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas cannisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!
People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinking house. Word got out and eventually even the local estate agents refused to return thier calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
It was at this point that the ex-husband called and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for getting his house back. Knowing her ex-husband had no idea how bad the smell was, she agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to sign the papers that very day. He agreed and within the hour her lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later she and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home........
And just to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rails!!
. A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both. What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything..
He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant,
today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees
I KNOW, I KNOW BUT YOUR STILL GOING TO FORWARD IT ON, I CAN TELL…………
A man walks into a welsh pub and orders a white wine spritzer. The bar goes silent as everyone stares at him..... "Where are you from? You sound English" "I'm from across the River Severn," replies the man nervously. "What do you do, just across the Severn ?" "I'm a taxidermist." "What on earth is one of those?" "I mount animals." "Its alright boys," shouts the barman "he's one of us".
Shhhhhhhh!!!
Don't tell anyone...I'm gonna go down on you....
.....And your gonna love it.....
......But it's only gonna to be long enough to let you start enjoying it....
....Then I'm gonna come back up again and f@#k you big time.....
Lots of Love
Petrol Prices. xxx
Just bought a new stick deodorant earlier, the instructions said 'remove cap and push up bottom'....i can barely walk but whenever i fart the room smells lovely!!
Thank God things were deifferent in Nelson's day!
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?Hardy: "Sorry sir?"Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or herduty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religiouspersuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunitiesemployer now. We had the devil's own job getting "England " past thecensors, lest it be considered racist."Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-freeworking environments."Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of theGovernment's policy on binge drinking."Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it fullspeed ahead."Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in thisstretch of water."Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle inhistory. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest,please."Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."Nelson: "What?"Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness;and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't letanyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeckAdmiral."Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd..."Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- freeenvironment for the differently abled."Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuseeven to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiralby playing the disability card."Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented inthe areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't letthe crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyonebreathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell themen to stand by to engage the enemy."Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of beingcharged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple oflegal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."Nelson: "We're not?"Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in thisstretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you sayingthat sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum,sodomy and the lash?"Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban oncorporal punishment."Nelson: "What about sodomy?"Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."Nelson: "In that case................... Kiss me, Hardy."
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