Jack Jones In: Lincolnshire bas
Posts: 1468
Karma:
the wife gets home from work early and catches her husband naked with a hairdryer in hand blow drying the chopper, "WTF are you doing " comes the exclamation , and he replies warming up your dinner you ungrateful cow
A family is driving behind an Ann Summers delivery lorry when a large dildo flies out & hits their windscreen.
To hide her embarrassment the mother says to the children
"That was a big insect".
To which the 7 year old son replies "I'm surprised it could fly with a c**k that size!"
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said;" you are obviously not listening."
Jack Jones In: Lincolnshire bas
Posts: 1468
Karma:
A guy buys a camel from some shark on a street corner, and he proudly rides it into the pub carpark, causing abit of a stir with the local drinkers, "Nice camel m8" one of them commented, "is it male or female ?" the guy beemed, "FEMALE !" "how you know" his mate inquired, "well" the bloke explained, "on the way here 2 day, at least 20 people yelled out, HEY LOOK AT THE C**T ON THAT CAMEL......."
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Woman goes for a tattoo and a piercing around her undercarriage bits. As she sits with her legs in the air, the tattooist says "i think i may have to numb it first". The woman says "fine, do what you have to do".
So he drops to his knees, leans forward and goes "num num num num num"
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?” The barber looks around the shop and says, “About 2 hours.” The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, “About 3 hours.” The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looks around the shop and says, “About an hour and half.”
The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, “Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn’t come back.”
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, “Bill, where did he go when he left here?”
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, “Your house!”
Man meets a woman in a bar and buys her a drink. He keeps looking at his watch, She Asks "Why".
He Says "It's a new dating watch, it telling me about you"
"What does it say" she asks.
"It says you have no kickers on"
"It wrong" she says
"I know" he replies,
"it's an hour fast".
the only way for a couple to enjoy an afternoon `quickie` with their 8 year old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a mars bar and tell him to report on the streets activities.
He began:`there`s a car being towed away`.`jason is on his skateboard`. the wilsons are shagging`.startled his mum and dad sat up,dad asks how do you know they`re shagging`.`coz little jimmy wilson is on his balcony with a mars bar!!
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband..
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty... You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" "We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further... I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump." "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome . "It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class... The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What'd he say?" He said: "Who the f**k did your hair?"
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep,' the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?' The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.
I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.
I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
![Silly jokes (72) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (72) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
