<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->Two Irishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house .Paddy picks up a nail realises it's upside down and throws it away.He carries on doing this until Murphy says why are you throwing them away?Because they are upside down."You daft prat" says Murphy,"Save them for the ceiling".
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->My best champion racing snail, Horace, has been rather slow lately. So in an attempt to speed him up, I removed his shell..........................To my surprise and dismay however,................he's become sluggish.....
A blind man went for a job in a wood yard saying he could identify any wood by its smell. They tested him on different types & he guessed right every time. To catch him out the secretary laid naked on the floor with her legs open. He sniffed & said he wasn’t sure & asked for the 'wood' to be turned over, he sniffed again & said:"You can't fool me, it’s an old sh!thouse door off a fishin’ boat!
Sorry in advance to any Chelsea fans, but you should always beware when buying anything second hand from liverpool!!
Your through to PC World technical support how may I help you?'I am having trouble finding the net' Okay sir no problem. Can I take your name sir. 'Yes. Its Fernando Torres'
or
Fernando Torres walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a couple of shots please." The barman says, "That's not like you."
Yesterday I was at my local Sainsbury's supermarket buying a large bag of Winalot dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue, when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant???
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was f**king skint."Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same."Bloke replies, "Skint's my dog."
>Beware of older men - they only get wiser! > >A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 >and feels pretty good about the results..> >On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, >she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you >think I am.> >'About 32,' is the reply.'> >'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily.> >A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the >very same question.> >The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' The woman replies with a big smile, >'Nope, I'm 50.'> >Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her >way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the >clerk this burning question.> >The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.'> >Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!'> >While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her >the same question.> >He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young >there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, >but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then >can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.'> >They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of >her. She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.'> >He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very >slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches >each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. > >After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay.....How old am I?'> >He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, >'Madam, you are 50.'> >Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?'> >The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad?'> >'I promise I won't' she says.> >'I was behind you at McDonalds.'
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A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerks called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor. The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen. She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment."Do you have health insurance?" she asked.He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."The nun asked, "Do you have money in the bank?"He replied, "No money in the bank.""Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?" asked the irritated nun.He said, "I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun."The nun became agitated and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."The patient replied, "Perfect! >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
I pulled a girl in a club the other night. I told her i was taking her to mine and i was going to shag her in my bedroom, my bathroom, my kitchen, and my lounge.
"OOOHHH!", she replied.. "let's get going, it's good to find a man with such stamina".
Oddly enough she didn't seem that impressed when we got back to my caravan......
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