Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
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Team sheet for Man U to face Barcelona ...
Van Der Sar
Rafael
Ferdinand
Vidic
Evra
Valencia
Carrick
An Unnamed Premiership Footballer
Park
Rooney
Hernandez
A nurse walks into a bank after a 15 hour shift. She pulls an anal thermometer out of her pocket and tries to write a cheque with it. She looks at the cashier and says "well that's great! Really fucking great! Some arseholes got my pen"
The British government today announced that it is changing its emblem from a Union Jack to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation halts production destroys the next generation protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
Damn, it just doesn't get more accurate than that!
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
I went to the gym yesterday and got chatting to a young girl in there. I told her i'd joined to lose a few pounds, so she suggested i tried skipping.
I said "oh you mean like boxers do?"
"No," she said.."I mean try skipping a few meals yer fat twat!"
I wish........to place it on record that, unlike Ryan Giggs, if you catch me shagging a glamour model with massive tits you can tell anybody you f!$%ing like !!!
A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher, and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of an American university. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard - a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment.
They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.
Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next... He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, ‘WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus...Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him.
He was in really bad shape.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it ...circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in a U.K. newspaper: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites! FREE PUPPIES. 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour's dog. FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100. WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything..
"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.
"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.
"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.
Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs.
Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.
Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"
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