I was sat in a wine bar, enjoying my own company. I took a sip of my drink and looked over to the other end of the bar. I saw a stunning brunette looking back at me. She was wearing a Wonder Woman costume, with lots of flesh on show. We looked each other up and down, and both gave a knowing smile. I noticed she was drinking Budweiser like me, so I called the barman over. "Same again for me, and another for the pretty lady over there." He said, "That's a mirror, you pisshead, and the rest of the stag do left an hour ago."
The police knocked on my door yesterday and said " The postman says your dog bit him when he was riding his bike" I said " It can't have been my dog..... He hasn't got a bike "
I bought one of those suicide Pizza's the other day..........It tops itself.
I went to a Bulimic Society party last night... the place was heaving.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I went to a restaurant the other day and I noticed that my waitress had a black eye. I made sure I spoke loud and clear when ordering my food because she obviously had trouble listening.
An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years.
He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."
Asked my wife the other day " How many men have you slept with sweetheart?". "Just you my love" She promptly & proudly replied........ "Everyone else kept me awake shagging all night" She added
A young Amishman walked into a motel and announced that he had just got married and needed a room for the night.
"Very good sir", replied the clerk, "and would you be requiring the bridal"?
"No sir", replied the Amishman, " I figured that I'd just hold her by the ears until she got used to it".
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->In a recent press conference, a journalist asked Wayne Rooney about tactics."they're small, minty and delicious!" he replied...
A man goes up to a woman in a club and says, you remind me of my little toe, the girl says why because i'm small and cute, no the man says, because i'm going to end up banging you on my coffee table later.
Theoretically and Realistically A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so he asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"
His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."
The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same question."
The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said she would too!"
So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."
The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!" "Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid. Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."
I took a girl back to my flat for sex last night.
She said 'I'm going to leave my bra on because my tits my tiny'.
I said 'Okay, I'll leave my boxers on then.'
Had a bit of a confrontation the other night on my way home from the pub ... I was pissed up and got attacked by a gang of hoodies. I remember hearing "Leave my washing line alone and get in this house you drunken twat!" then I must have blacked out.
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