A teacher's story about Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says
A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become,
asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty
and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'Fuck-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!> This is even funnier when you realize it's real!> Next time you have a bad day at work think of this guy.> > Bob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana> > He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.> > Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister.> She then sent it to radio station 103 .5 on FM dial in Indiana, who was sponsoring a 'worst job experience' contest.> > Needless to say, she won.> Read his letter below.> > > Hi Sue,> > Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother..> Last week I had a bad day at the office.> I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all.> Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.> As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office.> It's a wet suit.> This time of year the water is quite cool.> So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater.> This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea.> It heats it to a delightful temperature.> It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose.> > Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.> What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit.> > This floods my whole suit with warm water.> It's like working in a Jacuzzi.> Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.> So, of course, I scratched it.> > This only made things worse.> Within a few seconds my ass started to burn.> I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done.> In agony I realized what had happened.> The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.> Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it, however, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate..> > When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse.> > I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.> His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.> Needless to say, I aborted the dive.> > I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.> When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.> As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber.> The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my arse was swollen shut.> > So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your arse.> Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'> Whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?
if you're camping in the summer and the attractive girl in the next tent tells you that because it's so hot she will be sleeping with her flaps open, it's not necessarily an invitation to casual sex.
I saw one of my mates the other day, he's only got one arm bless him.I shouted "where you off to ?""To change a light bulb" he responded"That's going to be awkward isn't it ?""Not really, I've still got the receipt !"
A guy is driving around the back woods of Coalville and he sees a sign in front of a broken down house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
'You talk?' he asks.
'Yep,' the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI5. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.' 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.. I signed up for a job at East Mids airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired..'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten quid,' the guy says.
'Ten Pounds? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a f!$%ing liar, he never did any of that stuff.
'....98....99....100, Phew! How was that?' asked the wife.
'Very impressive darling' I replied, 'However there is a theory behind why it's know as a three point turn'
I met.... A dyslexic yorkshireman today, he was wearing a cat flap.
Spent £40 on eBay last week for a p*nis enlarger. Just opened it and some bastard's sent me a magnifying glass!
I took a bird home after a night spent clubbing last night; after a few drinks at mine we went upstairs. While we were taking our clothes off a voice came from the bed and it said, "I hope that's not the fat tart from last week "
1. Poor a jar of peanut butter into the toilet and with the toilet brush, evenly spread over all surfaces. 2. Then simply leave the toilet seat up whilst you go to work remembering to allow the dog the run of the house. 3. When you return home your toilet will be spotless.
Sincerely, the Cat.
PS. Of course, there'll be the most foul smelling, sticky dog sh*t you've ever come across in every single room of your house, but that'll teach you right for STICKING ME DOWN THE F*&$^NG TOILET!!!!!!!
At first when my wife left I was upset and lonely, but since then I've bought a dog, had two different women and blew a grand on drink and coke....she will go F***in mental when she gets home from work.......
Paddy the Irish electrician, has been sacked from H. M. prison service, for refusing to fix the electric chair. He said, in his professional opinion, "its a f*****g death trap"!
A woman was sipping on a glass of wine, while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."
Her husband asks, "Is that you, or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me .............. talking to the wine."..
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