<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->My teacher called me to the front of the class today and said "This essay you've written about your dog is exactly the same essay that your older brother handed in last year." "Of course it is" I said. "It's the same dog!"
I love to pamper my wife after she's had a stressful day at work. I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so the moment she walks through the door the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Australian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Aussies, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet and, shortly after, a story was published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Australians".
One week later, Essex County Council , reported the following:
After digging down to 30 feet in Colchester, Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found “absolutely f *c* all”. Jack has therefore concluded that “250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."
As the numbers stopped at £19-99 on the pump I thought just a little squeeze on the handle will leave me to pay a nice round number.
Cashier 'That'll be £31-70 Please'
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a town in Essex .
With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blond jokes when a blond woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women from reaching our full potential as a person., Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate and discriminate against not only blonds, but women in general... and all in the name of humour".
The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blond yells, "You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little s!$% sitting on your knee."
The police came knocking at my door at 3 am this morning. I answered wearing just a dressing gown.
"Do you live here?" asked the police officer
"No I live next door. I just thought I would pop round to open the door to you."
I was in ecstasy, with a smile on my face, as my girlfriend moved forwards then backwards ... forwards then backwards ... back and forth ... back and forth ... in and out ... in and out. Her heart was pounding faster, her face was getting flush and she started to grunt and groan. Then she let out an almight scream ....
"I can't park this f**king car! You do it you smug ba***rd!"
A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a dwarf.
Barman: What can I get you Sir.
Man: One beer and whatever these two guys want.
They get their drinks and sup away.
Sometime later
Ostrich: Can we have the same again please barman?
Again they sup away.
Man: Barman can we have the same again please?
Barman: Certainly Sir and serves up three more drinks.
Time passes and once again they have finished their drinks.
Ostrich : Excuse me barman can we have another three drinks please.
Barman: Certainly Sir and serves up three drinks.
The alcohol was steadily going down and it was time for another order.
Man: Excuse me barman same again please.
Barman: I know it’s not my business, but you and the ostrich have been buy drinks all night. Does your mate the dwarf ever buy his round?
Man: “Well barman”, I had better tell the whole story.
Barman: OK I have time go ahead.
Man: Well I was walking home from the pub last week, and when passing through the country lanes, I heard a little voice, calling “help me, help me”. When I finally tracked down where the voice was coming from, I found a pixy in a thorn bush. “ help me, help me”, screamed the pixie.” I am stuck in the thorns”. So I unhooked the little fellow from the thorns. “Thank you, thank you” said the pixie. Then the pixie said” you have saved my life, for that I can grant you one wish”. I replied thanks mate.
<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p>The barman stood there for a while, trying to take it all in.</o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
<o:p> </o:p>
Barman: Well what has that got to do with buying rounds of drinks.
Man: I ask the pixie for a long legged bird with a tight little c*^t, and the f*”king
little sh^t gave me these two.
My dyslexic mate has just rang me and told me there's been a death at an Army Warehouse somewhere in London, is this true?
Elton John will perform at Amy Winehouse's funeral with a beautiful rendition of Candle Under The Spoon.
Don't bother coming over Valerie nobodys in.
God visits a man and told him to give up fags, booze and sex if he wants to go to heaven, the man said he would try.
God returns a few days later
"I've given up smoking and drinking but when the wife bent over the sofa and I saw her long legs ...I pulled her skirt up, pulled her pants to one side and banged her right there "
"That's not on in heaven", said God
Fella says "They're not too happy about it in DFS either!"
WRONG EMAIL ADDRESS ( BRILLIANT )
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules.
So, the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address
and without realizing his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Blackpool , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving WifeSubject: I've ArrivedDate: July 16, 2011
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
P.S. It's fucking hot down here!
Some Fine Irishness
Joe says to Paddy, "Close your curtains the next time you're shagging your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday"
Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked and playing with himself in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Jaysus Paddy, what in hell d’yis t’ink yer doing?" Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist recommended I do something sexy to attracter.....
The Irish have solved their fuel problems. They’ve imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.
Paddy says to Mick, “Jeez, I’m ready for me holiday … but this year I’m going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain - and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy - and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca - and again Mary got pregnant.”Mick asks, “So what are you going to do this year?”Paddy replies, “Oi think Oi'll take her wid me!”
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year" ... Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick says, "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We’ll lie and say we only found two."
Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "yes but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."
![Silly jokes (78) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (78) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
