Problem solving
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens'
Heehee !!!
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise'.
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband. He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises,and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'
'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, ' I bring you Peeking Duck'.
I was riding home on my bike one winter evening when I saw a mate walking along. I stopped for a chat, I asked if he wanted a lift home on the pillion. He said OK, so we went on our way. After a couple of miles he said STOP STOP. So I pulled over and asked what’s was the matter. He said he was freezing with just a sports jacket on. So I told him to put the jacket on back to front and put his hands in his pockets and that should help keep the wind off. He did that and we went on our way again. About 5 miles up the road I skidded on a bend and lost it, which resulted in both of us laying in the road about 30 feet apart. As I was getting the bike off the top of me a car pulled up near my friend and the driver got out and was checking him out. I walked over and asked the car driver if my mate was alright.
He said, “ well he was talking to me, until I turned his head the right way around”.
One of the rioters threw a brick through our kitchen window and hit my wife on the head, knocking her out. I ran outside and chased the bastard down. I dragged him back to the house and pointed to my bloodied wife in a heap on the floor. I pulled out a knife and said, "It's time to face the consequences of your actions."Shaking, he said, "What are you going to do?""Me?" I replied, handing him the knife. "I'm not going to do anything. YOU'RE going to finish making my f!$%ing sandwich."
This morning I looked out on the destruction ... smashed windows, cars turned upside down, a bus on fire, people running scared, Police unsure of what move to make next ... I turned to my better half and said "Chin up darling. You did your best, but maybe I should park the car in future".
A rioter was arrested the other night when he was found walking along with a chicken tikka masala under his arm. It later turned out that he was confused as his mates had been talking about robbing currys
A doctor had his students in an anatomy class where they were disecting a body. The doctor said "rule 1; don't be repulsed by anything in the human body." So, he stuck his finger up the corpses bum, pulled his finger out and sucked it! He told the students to do the same. After hesitating, they each stuck their fingers up the corpses bum, 1 by 1, and then sucked their fingers!!
The doctor said " I used my middle finger and sucked my thumb, rule 2 Pay attention!"
Blade is on the telly, he has a sexy bike and a huge weapon just like me, not a joke just a statement of fact, anyway what do you say to 2 blind lesbian dwarfs thats been cought in a lift with a huge marrow.
A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible; the instructions were: 1 - religion / 2 - sexuality / 3 - mystery
Here's the only A+ short story in the entire class: "good g-d, i'm pregnant; i wonder who did it."
Sorry carn't do the punch line for the blind lesbian dwarf joke as its too violently offensive, and when i upset the hetrosexual dwarfs they threw eggs and tomartoes at mi windows well they didn't actually reach the windows cos they only have little arms ha ha ha, but they let mi tyres down on mi bicycle and kicked mi grandma's sausage dog which was just plain nasty cos its an old dog, so if you think i'm going to upset the blind lesbian dwarf community and watch that team come goose stepping down mi road and set up camp outside mi house soz but that ain't going to happen i would have to call the F.B.I and go into protective custody.
Paddy bought 2 horses & could never remember which one was which so he cut the tail off 1 & that worked great till the other horse got his tail caught in a bush & it looked exactly like the other. His pal suggested he notch the ear of 1 horse & that worked great till the other horse caught his ear on barbed wire. The pal then suggested Paddy measure the horses for height & he was delighted to find that the black one was 2 inches taller than the white one.
Joseph Fritzl
has spoken out in anger about the recent rioting. Blaming the cause on irresponsible parenting he said, "you never saw my kids out on the street like that".
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