THE SALESMANA young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas." Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?"Kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?" Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?" Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm. 'I'd like to buy a horth' he says to the owner of the farm. 'What sort of horse?', said the owner. 'A female horth,' the dwarf replies. So the owner shows him a mare. 'Nithe horth,' says the dwarf, 'can I thee her eyth?" So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes. 'Nith eyth', says the dwarf, 'can I thee her teeth?' Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth. 'Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?' the dwarf says. By now the owner is getting a little fed up but, once again, the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses ears. 'Nith eerth,' he says 'now can I see her twot?' With this the owner picks the dwarf up and shoves his head up the horses vagina. He holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down. The dwarf shakes his head and says 'Perhaps I should weefwaze that. Can I see her wun awound?'
Odd Stuff in life...
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home...... maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes... lucky pig... can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)
After her sixth child, Jane decided that she should have some Cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory, because her bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with six children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them."
"Well" said the nurse; "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ahhh, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!"
"Brilliant!" said Jane. "And the third?"
"That's from Eric, a patient in the burns unit," said the nurse. "He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
Female college lecturer reminds her students about exam 2morrow," apart from a death in the family or a nuclear attack im not taking any excuses 4 not taking the exam." Smartass at the back says "What if im suffering from complete and utter sexuall exhaustion?" Class erupts into laughter. When it quietens down she looks at him and says "well then u`ll have to write with your other hand."
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And
the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, drank
whole bottles of wine, chatted for hours on the phone to friends,
always had a clean house, watched chick flicks without feeling guilty,
never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued,
didn't get fat, didn't have to pay for dual view tv, travelled more,
had a career, had many lovers, was able to save money, and had all the
hot water to herself. She went to the theatre, never watched sports,
owned every remote control in the house, never wore friggin lacy
lingerie that went up her arse, had high self esteem, never cried or
yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time. THE END.
a son asks his dad the difference between theoretically & realistically.Dad says thats hard,but i have an idea. ask mum if she would sleep with wayne rooney for£1million.mum says yes.
DAdsays now ask your sister if she would .Sister says yes.
Dad says go ask your brother .He says yes.Well ther you go thers your answer . Theoretically we er sitting on £3million quid but realistically were living with 2 slags and a f**king poof
A young Internet entrepreneur named Ryan leased an apartment and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. Poor Ryan broke out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, Ryan finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!" Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you feel that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, Ryan stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming... That was me!"
This guy is flying down the road and he comes over the top of this bridge. Sure enough, on the other side there's a cop with a radar gun. The cop pulls the guy over, walks up to the biker and asks ''What's the hurry?'' The biker replies, ''I'm late for work.'' ''Oh yeah?'' says the cop. ''What do you do for a living?'' The guy says, ''I'm a rectum stretcher''. The cop says,''A rectum stretcher? what does a rectum stretcher do for a living?'' The biker says ''Well, I start with one finger then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then work it until I can get both hands in there, and then slowly stretch it until it's about six feet wide.'' ''What on earth do you do with a six foot asshole?'' the copper asks. The biker replies ''You give him a radar gun and park him on a bridge.''
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mentalasylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which definedwhether or not a patient should be institutionalized."Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her toempty the bathtub.""Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.""No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Doyou want a bed near the window?" DID YOU PASS THE TEST, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?". I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it". He said "Those are pickled onions". I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one". I said to the train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I was on telly once but I'm no Dean Martin".I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
FARM KID - (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING DEPOT)
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 5 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing..
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5ƌ' and 130 pounds and he's 6Ǝ' and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter, Alice
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