After they get out they go to shower. “Grandma” Little Suzy asks, pointing between her grandmother’s legs. “What’s that?” “Oh,” her grandmother replies. “That’s my beaver, dear.” The next day Little Suzy goes swimming with her mother, and they go showering afterwards too. “Mommy, is that your beaver?” asks the girl. “Er, yes it is, Suzy. Where did you learn that?” her mother answers. “From Grandma. But I think hers is dead because its tongue was sticking out.”
THE PRIEST AT OUR HOLY FATHER PRIMARY SCHOOL LET THE KIDS SHAVE HIS HAIR FOR CHARITY, HE SAID AT FIRST IT FELT STRANGE, BUT IT DID MAKE HIS COCK LOOK BIGGER
Took my girlfriend out to a bar one evening and asked her what she'd like to drink. She said, "I guess I'll have a glass of champagne." I said, "Guess again."
From a High Street Travel Company - listing some of the guest's complaints ......
1. ''I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local store does not sell proper biscuits like custard-creams or ginger-nuts."
2. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time - this should be banned
3. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food at all."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels."
5. A tourist at a top African game lodge over looking a water hole, who spotted a visibly aroused elephant, complained that the sight of this rampant beast ruined his honeymoon by making him feel "inadequate".
6. A woman threatened to call police after claiming that she'd been locked in by staff. When in fact, she had mistaken the "Do not disturb" sign on the back of the door as a warning to remain in the room.
7. "The beach was too sandy."
8. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white."
9. A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.
10. "Topless sunbathing on the beach should be banned. The holiday was ruined as my husband spent all day looking at other women."
11. "We bought' Ray-Ban' sunglasses for five Euros (£3.50) from a street trader, only to find out they were fake."
12. "No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled."
13. "There was no egg slicer in the apartment..."
14. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish..."
15. "The roads were uneven.."
16. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England, but it only took the Americans three hours to get home."
17. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three-bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller."
18. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the accommodation'. We're trainee hairdressers - will we be OK staying there?"
19. "There are too many Spanish people. The receptionist speaks Spanish.. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners '- now live abroad'."
20.. "We had to queue outside with no air conditioning."
21.. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
22. "I was bitten by a mosquito - no-one said they could bite."
23. "My fiancé and I booked a twin-bedded room but we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."
Lay in bed with girlfriend. I looked into her eyes and said "Seeing your face reminds me of the lottery.
"Because I'm worth millions to you?" she said.
"No" I said "I wish you'd f***ing roll over."
A little boy lost his mum in asda and was in floods of tears. The
security guard asked him "what's she like", "big cocks and Bacardi
breezers" he replied.
I'm standing at the bar and this little chinese guy is standing by the side of me.
So I asked him 'do you know martial arts? Like Kung Fu and Ju-Jitsu?...'
He replied 'Why the fuck you ask me that.. Is it because I'm Chinese?'
I said 'No it's because you're drinking my fuckin' pint you little shit.
I went to the gym yesterday and asked the trainer, "Which machine can I use to impress that beautiful blonde over there."He looked me up and down and replied, "Try the cash machine outside the front door, you fat twat."
A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on.
The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now completely nude, she purred at him,
"What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded,
and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are
full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere, so how can you think
that the best part of my body is my ears?!"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming, that was me..."
I raced a Harley the other day, and after some really hard riding I finally managed to pass the guy.
I was riding on one of those really, really, twisting
sections of Mountain road with no straight sections to speak of and
where most of the curves have warning signs that say "15 MPH".
I knew if I was going to pass one of those monsters with those
big-cubic-inch motors, it would have to be a place like this where
handling and rider skill are more important than horsepower alone.
I saw the guy up ahead as I exited one of the turns and knew I could
catch him, but it wouldn't be easy. I concentrated on my braking and
cornering. Three corners later, I was on his tail. Catching him was one
thing; passing him would prove to be another.
Two corners later, I pulled up next to him as we sailed down the
mountain. I think he was shocked to see me next to him, as I nearly got
by him before he could recover. Next corner, same thing. I'd manage to
pull up next to him as we started to enter the corners but when we came
out he'd get on the throttle and outpower me. His horsepower was almost
too much to overcome, but this only made me more determined than ever.
My only hope was to outbrake him. I held off squeezing the lever until
the last instant. I kept my nerve while he lost his. In an instant, I
was by him. Corner after corner, I could hear the roar of his engine as
he struggled to keep up. Three more miles to go before the road
straightens out and he would pass me for good.
But now I was in the lead, and he would no longer hold me back. I
stretched out my lead and by the time we reached the bottom of the
mountain, he was more than a full corner behind. I could no longer see
him in my rear-view mirror.
Once the road did straighten out, it seemed like it took miles before he
passed me, but it was probably just a few hundred yards. I was no match
for that kind of horsepower, but it was done. In the tightest section
of road, where bravery and skill count for more than horsepower and deep
pockets, I had passed him. Though it was not easy, I had won the race
to the bottom of the mountain.
I will always remember that moment. I don't think I've ever pedalled so
hard in my life. And some of the credit must go to Schwinn, as well.
They really make a great bicycle.
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