A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of lager and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck!".
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working," says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?".
"Certainly,"
says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks
in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"
"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck.
So
the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves. This continues
for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The ringleader of
the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to him;
"You're
with the circus aren't you? I know this duck that would be just
brilliant in your circus - he talks, drinks beer and everything!"
"Sounds marvellous," says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call."
So
the next day, the duck comes into the pub. The barman says, "Hey Mr
Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job. Paying really good
money!"
"Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The
circus? That place with the big tent? With all the animals? With the
big canvas roof with the hole in the middle?" asks the duck.
2 Irish men find a mirror, one picks it up and says "I recognise the face but can't place it!" The other one has a look and says " you silly Bugger It's me!"
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay,
but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember
..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure..'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated,
he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream
with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then
he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, The old man
returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs..
She stares at the plate for a moment.
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I plomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, " I want to try something I have heard about from other girls.. Numbaa 69."More thoughtful silence, this time from him.Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her... "You wan... Garlic Chicken with corrifrowa?"
I was stopped the other night while walking home from the pub by police at 2am and asked where i was going at this time of night.
I told them, "To a lecture about alcohol abuse and it's effect on relationships & on the human body". Copper says, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" I said , "the f***ing wife!!!"
Too funny not to pass on,
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process,
she told him that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he could remember easily
and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood
and figured he would try for the shock effect
to bring this to his wife's attention.
So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in...
P...
E...
N...
I...
S...
His wife fell off her chair
laughing when the computer replied:
PASSWORD REJECTED....... NOT LONG ENOUGH ...
My mate got the sack from the Highways Department at the local council for theft, I found it hard to beleive that he would do such a thing.... but when I went around to his house all the signs were there!
I'm in trouble with the Mrs, we were in bed naked and she asked what I would most like to do with her body, apparently " Identify it" wasnt the right answer . .
Went to the pub with my Thai girlfriend last month.Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 65.It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary!
THE
BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER! Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to
tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7
years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been
hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today
& that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t
even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal &
even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, &
went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell
me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us
as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me
anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to
find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together!
Have a great life! —— Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than
receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7
years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch
my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining &
griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut
last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a
girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say
something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal,
you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped
eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from
you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it
was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that
morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work
it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job
& bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone..
Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the
fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you
wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your
Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you
this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.
I Braked as hard as I could, but still hit the car in front of me. A gorgoeus blonde gets out and yells at me "Ram me up the feckin arse why dont ya! "
This. Your Honour, is where I believe all the confusion began.....
DO
you fart in bed? IF THIS STORY DOESN'T MAKE YOU CRY FOR LAUGHING SO
HARD, LET ME KNOW AND I'LL PRAY FOR YOU. THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE
WHO HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS. THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR
MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE
AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES
WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR. EVERY MORNING......
SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING
HER SICK. HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY
NATURAL. SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE
WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT. THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM
OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY
FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS,
NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT
CAME TO HER. SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS
SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK
THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY
GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.. SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH
HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND
THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM. THE WIFE
COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS
IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK
PRETTY GOOD. ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN
HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE. SHE BIT
HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE
RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.
'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE. 'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE
DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.
BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT
MOST OF THEM BACK IN!
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