Liam
Gallagher is sitting in a restaurant looking at a menu and sees 'Oasis
Soup'. Intrigued, this is what he orders. When his soup arrives Liam is
confused. "Excuse me.." says Liam, "This looks like ordinary tomato soup. Why call it Oasis Soup?" The waiter replies "Well sir, you've gotta roll with it
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
Dr. Conrad Murray has told the U.S. High Court about Michael Jackson's dramatic weight loss during his last few months ...
"Michael had got so thin that although his pyjama tops were adult size, he could still squeeze himself into children's bottoms"..
I was on holiday in Thailand and almost slept with a ladyboy.
I had no idea that she was a man, I mean he looked and sounded like a woman.
But the game was up when he drove us back to his hotel safely and parked the car in one manoeuvre.
I'm starting to take this drink driving business seriously now.
Left the car at the pub last night and took the bus home.
Quite proud of myself really, I've never driven a bus before!
My wife was in the bathroom for hours getting dressed to go out when finally she swung open the door and asked "tell me honestly, do I look fat in this?". I replied " yes love, but to be fair, its a small bathroom"
A woman was cleaning her husbands drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with £2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his drawer.The husband said "I'm sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer".The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the £2000 in the drawer.The husband replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them".
The Police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my Wife"Is this your Wife Sir ?"Shocked I answered "Yes it is Officer""I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident""Yes I know but she has a lovely personality"
An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?'The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---But this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet.?'(Are you ready for this????) The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are ya sure dis is where he fell in?'<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->
I've just knocked at my mates front door.
As he answered I asked 'Are you coming out?'
'No mate' he replied, 'I just enjoy prancing around in women's underwear'.
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'
Picked up a pikey bird in the pub last night she asked me if i wanted to go back to her place for a'good time' she was'nt fucking joking, i went on the waltzer, the dodgems, the big wheel, i even came home with a goldfish!
This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for 'Termination without Cause'. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
(Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.'
Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power... a power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!'
Weirdoraptor In: Brough, E. Yorks
Posts: 2087
Karma:
I went to the doctor and told him i want to live till i'm 100.
He said "ok, fine, just a couple of questions,... Do you smoke?"
"No"
..."and, do you take recreational drugs?"
"No"
..."and, do you drink?"
"No"
.."and, do you have unprotected sex with random women?"
"Absolutely not" i replied.
Then the doctor says "Well why the hell do you want to live till you're 100 then??"
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