A guy walks in to a kebab shop and is surprised to see Father Christmas serving behind the counter.
"Santa!" he says. "What are you doing working here? Shouldn't you be up at the North Pole preparing for the big day?"
Santa Claus sighs. He's really let himself go. The red suit's got lard and chilli sauce and bits of lettuce all over it. His apron's in a mess and he just looks fed up and like he doesn't want to be serving up kebabs for a living.
"Well," Santa says at last, "the business has gone belly up. With the recession, the credit crunch and all, the toy industry took a beating. I had to lay off some of the elves, make cut backs in quality and we just lost our competitive edge. Plus we wound up the delivery side and subcontracted out to UPS. But... it didn't help. The receivers came in, asset-stripped the business and we went into liquidation."
"Gee," the guy says. "I'm really sorry; it kind of takes the tradition out of Christmas in a way."
"Yeah," says Santa Claus and manages a wan smile. "Well enough of me and my woes. What can I get you?"
The guy says, "I'll have a large Donner."
"Sorry," says Santa. "We're all out of Donner.......Will Blitzen do instead?"
A man was leaving a
convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse
was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first
one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:
"I
am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you,
but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My wife's."
''What happened to her?"
"She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her."
He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.
I was at a wedding reception when the DJ announced all the married men go and stand by the person who makes your life worth living.......
The Barman was crushed to death
Yes It was HELL ! BLOOD EVERYWHERE!
I Stood By MY WIFE AND I SURVIVED !
Yes At The Moment Of Panic And Mayhem ! AS The Crowd Surged To The Bar !
God Spoke To Me I Was Shocked As I Always Thoght The Lord To Be
A Man ?
But I Was Saved When I Heard The Command, DON'T YOU
DARE MOVE YOU Little S**T. CHEERS!
The Down side was that with the Barman dead I had to serve myself.
Jack and Jill were just married, Jack said to Jill "Try on my trousers" Jill said " I cant do that they're too big" Jack said "exactly, always remember I wear the trousers in this house and always will" Jill said "you try on my knickers" Jack said "I'll never get in them" Jill said "Exactly, and if you dont change your attitude, you never fuckin will!"
O woman walks into the Dr's office with a swollen nose " What happened?" asked the Dr " A bee sat on my nose" she replied, "So the bee stung you? ' " Oh no it didnt have time, my husband killed it with a shovel"
The wife asked me what I was doing on the computer today. ..."just looking for cheap flights" I said. She looked really happy then got all excited and unzipped my flies and gave me the best blow job ever. Which is surprising as she has never shown any interest in darts before
I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest penis she had ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I assume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
My wife complained that I am always pushing her around and talking behind her back. I said, "What do you expect? You're in a wheelchair."
I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "Obviously you're not listening."
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I went to the thrift shop to get her clothes back. At the Senior Citizens Center they had a contest the other day. I lost by one point. The question was: Where do women mostly have curly hair? Apparently the correct answer was Africa. A buddy of mine has just told me he's getting it on with his girlfriend and her twin. I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said, "Her brother's got a mustache."
![Silly jokes (85) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Silly jokes (85) - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
