Order now for christmas, the new radio 1 Xmas CD with the cover versions you never thought you'd hear :
Susan Boyle - Dont ya wish ya girlfriend was hot like me
Stevie Wonder - I can see clearly now
John Terry - Ebony & Ivory
Katie Price - Like a virgin
Rihanna - Hit me baby one more time
Michael Jackson - The drugs dont work
Joseph Fritzl - Love shack
Stephen Hawking - I'm still standing
Let's not be PC........
Last night I reached for my liquid viagra and accidentally swiggedfrom a bottle of Tippex. I woke this morning with a huge correction. The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers........ So I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy My girlfriend said she was leaving me due to my obsession with the60's group The Monkees. I thought she was joking ........ And then I saw her face I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals wereshouting paedo and other names at me just because my girlfriend is21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary. My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a splint out of a coupleof Swan Vesta's, His little face lit up when he tried to walk.. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the sandpaper from the bottom ofhis cage. I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen,ungrateful bleeders. All I said was, 'hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have gothomes to go to!' Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls orgetting your bloody tee ready! Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard mywife's voice from the kitchen, 'what would you like for dinner mylove, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking tothe cat!' Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brownwith a small white patch, So I've named him Birmingham. I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by aprawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!' Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity,get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been livingoff a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.
Got the christmas decorations out of the loft tonight and came across a present I fogot to give the kids last year. It's a shame really because they would have loved that kitten
<!--6e052d28b1806771e2d163a041d4a5d4-->"What's your emergency?" they asked I said "There's two girls fighting over me." "Ok" she paused "Well whats the problem?" "The fat one's winning"
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Edited from above as I forgot to include the first line ooooppppppsss
I had to call the police last week.
What's your emergency?" they asked I said "There's two girls fighting over me." "Ok" she paused "Well whats the problem?" "The fat one's winning"
A young Korean couple are lying in bed when the guy starts to fart continuously.
"That's disgusting!!" shouts the girl
" It's the dog!!" shouts the guy
"dont blame the feckin dog" she yells "it was cooked perfectly!!"
A father is saying goodbye to his son as he is going sailing around the world with the Navy for 6 months.
Father: "be careful and look out for the gays"
Son: "gays"?
Father: "oh yes son there will be plenty of them on that ship, so watch your ass"
Son: "but how will I know if their gay?
Father: "trust me you'll know"
6 months pass & father son meet again and go for a manly drink & chat
Son: "dad you know when you warned me about the gays!, well one night I
was sweeping the deck at night and all of a sudden a man put his hand on
my shoulder, so I threw him overboard!"
Father: "but how did you know he was gay?"
Son "Because he swam behind the ship for 2 days shouting "" throw me a boy"" ""throw me a boy""
I woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
She said "I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to
bed very drunk," she replied. Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking
to myself ,
A young Chinese couple get married. She is a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that. On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. "My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69." More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..
The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia." "I see," the captain says. Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
Old Motor! The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child. The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?' The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running. The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman. She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?' The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'
A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child. The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?' The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.' The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'
A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?' Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.' 'What does that mean?' asked the child. 'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.' The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.' He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.' The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?' You'll love this!!!!!!!!!)................
The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'
I thought my new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through
her knicker drawer and finding a nurse"s outfit, a french maids outfit and
a policewomans uniform i"ve dumped her, She obviously can"t hold down
a job
Ear Infection.....This is so true story ! The doctor's reception always ask why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing.I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?''There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. 'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people.You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??''There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?''I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with us seniors and you're going to lose ! ( It's our job....After all, we've had a few years experience at answering questions. )
What"s the difference between roast beef and pea soup ?
Anyone can roast beef!
What does a transvestite do for christmas ?
Eat, drink and be Mary!
What"s the definition of mixed emotions ?
Seeing your mother in law backing off a cliff in your new car!
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