The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then says to them, " I must tell you something very serious. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so tired of Zinfandel."
When you're from the country, your perception is a little bit different A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door A boy, about 9, opened the door"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer... "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?" "No, he went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".The boy thought for a moment ... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
A woman goes to the doctor with two black eyes . '' Oh doctor'' she cries ''Every time my husband comes home drunk , we get into a terrible fight and I end up looking like this''.
''No problem'' says the doctor. ''next time he comes home drunk . Get a glass of water from the kitchen , take a big mouthfull , and gargle the water untill he goes to bed. guarenteed results''.
The woman takes the doctor's advice and sure enough, no more fights.
She revisits the doctor, congratulates him and said ''Oh doctor , that was marvelous. my husband came home drunk, watched tv for a while. then went to bed and slept like a baby. Did me gargeling the water have have some sort of soothing effect on him?''
''No'' replied the doctor.''It wasn't the water that stopped the fight. it was because you couldn't speak''.... Dusty...
I took my dear old mum for a drive to north wales one sunny afternoon and we stopped in that place with the great long name, being lunch time we went for some fodder, my mum asked one of venues staff " this place we are in deary, could you say it for me, but say it very slowly for me?" on this the young girl replied very slowly and expressing each syllable wide open mouthed " MMMMAAAAAACCCC DDDDOOOOOONNNNNAAALLLLLLDDDDDSSSSS"
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said 'KEEP OFF THE GRASS"
A dog gives birth to puppies at the side of the road and was charged with littering.
(I'll get my coat )
A bloke walks into a pub, orders and quickly consumes five double vodkas, five tequilas and a pint of larger. He burps, wipes his mouth and then says, "I shouldn't have done that, not with what I've got"
"Why?" queries the barman "what have you got?"
"97p" says the bloke
The Brunette and the Genie A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it, and you guessed it, a genie appears. The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much." The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house." The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two." Then the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man." The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two." The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."
"Doctor,I cant stop having sex with 17 year old black girls " "Try one of these"says the Doctor. "What are they" he asks? Doc says,"Nigger Teen patches".
A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she'd caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said,"just how far across the fucking field were you before you realized it was caught"
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today,and we could all probably use more calm in our lives. Some doctor on TV this morning said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished...so I have manged to finish of, a bottle of a Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, a pockage of Prungles, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valiuminum scriptins, the res of the ,chesescke an a box a chocletz. Yu haf no idr how bludy fablus I feel rite now. Pleze sned dhis orn to dem yu in ned ov iennr pisss, an telum u luvum x
A Scottish couple decided to go to Spain to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon twenty years earlier, but, because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules so the husband left Glasgow and flew to Barcelona on Thursday and his wife flew down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel and, as there was a computer in his room, he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realising his error, sent the email.
Meanwhile , somewhere in Blackpool, a widow had just returned home from her husbands funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, ans saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've arrived
Date: October 16, 2008
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in and I see that everything's been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Fucking hot down here !
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