A Suzuki rider dies and because of the bike he goes down stairs (waits for barrage of abuse from tin can riders!) Anyway, old Nick says 'you have three options for 30 years pennance'. Off they go down the dark tunnel and he opens the first door. Ther's a bloke on a rack being stretched and pulled and screaming out in agony. 'No thanks says the rider, lets look at the next one'. Off they go further down the tunnel and old Nick opens the next door. There's a bloke strung up against a wall being flailed with a spiked whip, blood running down and in a right state. 'Dont fancy that says the rider' lets go to the last one. Off they go and old Nick opens the last door. Inside there's a bloke strung up on a wall, but this time he's facing out and a fit blonde is giving him a blow job. 'looks more like it' says the rider. 'Remember its for 30 years' says old Nick. OK says the rider 'lets go for it'. With that, old Nick goes over, taps the blonde on the shoulder and says 'OK luv your replacements here now!'
I was wondering the other day what our parents must have done for entertainment before television was popular and affordable.
I asked my 38 brothers and sisters if they had any ideas, but none of them could suggest an answer either.
I walked into the Doctors today and said "Hi, I've got an appointment for 3:45".
"Who with?" Asked the receptionist.
"The Doctor". I replied.
She said "Doctor Who".
I sais "No, but that would be cool".
A senior citizen bought a brand new Kawasaki and rode it out of the salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he pushed it to 120mph - enjoying the freedom.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M4, enjoying opening the throttle even more. Looking in his mirrors, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he revved it to 140mph, then 150 then 160. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up , looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm going away for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
This sound much better if you can say it with an Irish accent:-
Paddy goes to the railway station and ask the ticketmaster for a ticket to jeopardy
Ticketmaster says sorry sir there is no such place
Paddy replies please can I have a ticket to jeopardy and the ticketmaster replies again
Sir no trains go to to jeopardy
Paddy then replies in the Belfast Times it states that 2000 jobs are in jeopardy
Paddy and Mick walking along when Paddy finds a mirror on the floor, he picks it up and looks at it, "Mick" he says "I recognise this face but I can't think who it is"
"Give it me" says Mick, so Paddy hands it over and Mick looks at it "Of course you recognise it" he says "It's Me!!"
THE LOST CHAPTER OF GENESIS:
Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.
So, God asked him, "What's wrong with you?"
Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.
He said, "This pretty lady will gather food for you,
she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you.
She will always agree with every decision you make
and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong
when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you!
She will bear your children.
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to
take care of them.
"She will NEVER have a headache
and will freely give you love and passion
whenever you need it."
Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?"
God replied, "An arm and a leg."
Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?"
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
---
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
---
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
---
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
---
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..
---
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs
it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully
says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".
Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her
breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her
husband what happened, and in minutes they both return.
This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror
mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!".
Again, there's a bright flash...and his legs fall off.
On the First day God made the Earth...!
Then He rested...!
On the Third day God made Man...!
Then He rested...!
On the Fifth day God made all the Animals...!
Then He rested...!
On the Seventh day God made Woman...!
Then NO Buggers rested ever Since...!...!...!...!...
I was waling down the road the other day and someone threw a lump of cheese at me, I thought thats not very mature is it.
.............................................................................................................
I was walking down the road the other day and someone threw a yoghurt and a pint of milk at me, I thought how dare-y!
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