The newly-weds are in their honeymoon suite and the groom
decides to let the bride know where she stands right from
the start of the marriage. He proceeds to take off his
trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those
on."
The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."
"And don't forget that" he replies, "I
will always wear the trousers in this family!"
The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him
with the same request, "Try those on!"
He replies, "I can't get into your knickers!"
"And you never will if you don't change your attitude."
Apologies to Harley riders but still worth a giggle.
Top Ten Reasons Why Harley Riders Don't Wave Back
10. - Afraid it will invalidate warranty.
9. - Leather and studs make it too hard to raise arm.
8. - Refuses to wave to anyone whose bike is already paid for.
7. - Afraid to let go of the handlebars because they might vibrate off.
6. - Rushing wind would blow scabs off the new tattoos.
5. - Angry because just took out second mortgage to pay luxury tax on new Harley.
4. - Just discovered the fine print in owner's manual and realized H-D is partially owned by those rice-burner manufacturers.
3. - Can't tell if other riders are waving or just reaching to cover their ears like everyone else.
2. - Remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back, he impaled his hand on spiked helmet.
1. - They're jealous that after spending $20,000, they still don't own a Gold Wing.
Top Ten Reasons Why Gold Wing Riders Don't Wave Back
10. - Wasn't sure whether other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.
9. - Afraid might get frostbite if hand is removed from heated grip.
8. - Has arthritis and the past 400 miles have made it difficult to raise arm.
7. - Reflection from etched windshield momentarily blinded him.
6. - The expresso machine just finished.
5. - Was actually asleep when other rider waved.
4. - Was in a three-way conference call with stock broker and accessories dealer.
3. - Was distracted by odd shaped blip on radar screen.
2. - Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system.
1. - Couldn't find the "auto wave back" button on the dashboard.
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting," Your mum’s the best sex in town!" Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says," I just screwed your mum, and it was sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces," Your mum lovedd it!" Finally, the guy just can’t take it anymore. He looks at the drunk and yells - " Go Home, Dad! You’re Drunk Again!"
Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman talking in a bar, Englishman 'Women are really stupid at times, my wife just bought a car and cant even drive' . . . Scotsman 'Thats nothing, my wife just went on a diet and She's not even overweight' . . . Irishman 'You think thats stupid, my wife has taken 30 condoms to Benidorm and she hasnt even got a c**k!'
A
few days after Christmas, a mother was working
in the kitchen listening to her young son playing
with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All
of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell
off now, cause this is the last stop! And all
of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get
your asses in the train, cause we're going down
the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We
don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are
to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out,
you may play with your train, but I want you to
use nice language."
Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom
and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train
stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All
passengers who are disembarking from the train,
please remember to take all of your belongings
with you. We thank you for riding with us today
and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope
you will ride with us again soon." She hears
the little boy continue, "For those of you
just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your
hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there
is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have
a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about
the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the
kitchen."
In
the supermarket was a man pushing a cart which
contained a screaming, bellowing baby. The gentleman
kept repeating softly, "Don't get excited,
Albert; don't scream, Albert; don't yell, Albert;
keep calm, Albert."
A woman standing next to him said, "You certainly
are to be commended for trying to soothe your
son, Albert."
The man looked at her and said, "Lady, I'm
Albert."
2 blokes in the pub discussing their sex lives,1st bloke says"were still at it like rabbits!!", 2nd bloke says"Huh,....i only give it her once a month!I call it Bruce Lee night" his mates asks why.....he replies "ENTER THE DRAGON"
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