Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After
a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went
to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
- "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." -
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
-
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. - "Astronomically, it tells
me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce
that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I
can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
- "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
Woman stood in front of the mirror says "my hair is turning grey, I've got wrinkles and bags under my eyes, my boobs are saggy and my arse is big" she turns to her husband and says "say something good about me"
He thinks for a moment and says "There's F*ck all wrong with your eyesight love!!!"
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties to perform.
Terry had married a woman fromAmerica and bragged that he had told his new wife to do the dishes and all the cleaning in the house. He said it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and all the dishes were washed and put away.
James had married a woman from Australia and bragged that he had given his new wife orders to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. He told them the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better and by the third day his house was clean, the dishes done and there was a huge meal on the table.
The third man said that he had married a Yorkshire girl. He boasted that the duties he had ordered her to do were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table every day. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little bit out of his left eye. Enough to make himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher and call a gardener.
So, I'm sitting in a pub talking to a mate who is having trouble with his bike.
"It's running really rough on No.1 cylinder" he says.
"What do you reckon it is?"
I give it some thought - "Sh#t in the carb" says I.
Great, he says, How often do I have to do that, then!
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a box of Quality Street."
To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? ''Is your daddy home?' he asked.' Yes ,' whispered the small voice. May I talk with him?' The child whispered, ' No .'Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes ''May I talk with her?' A gain the small voice whispered, ' No 'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?' ' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . 'Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?' ' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.'Busy doing what?'' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer. Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered, ' The search team just landed a helicopter 'Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?' Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle... ' ME . '
An extract from Bills & Moon's latest novel. With writing like this, there really is no need for pictures......
We met in a secluded field, the sun almost kissing the horizon. The warm breeze was full of that earthy, musky scent, that only those fortunate to live outside the urban rat race know,
and the quiet whispering of leaves in the weeping willow overhead added the final touch to the most romantic scene.
We lay there, both naked. I knew that I had to have her, and have her now.
Without a word being spoken, I moved into a position of dominance. I could feel instantly that this was what she was waiting for, as she frantically thrust her pelvis at my approaching organ.
I moved slowly at first, inch by inch, until I was fully inside her.
Then, as the tension rose, we threw caution to the wind, and abandoned ourselves to the moment.
Although inexperienced, she approached every change of position with enthusiasm, moaning with despair, every time I withdrew to prevent myself from ending it all too soon.
As the sexual tension heightened towards the inevitable, mind-blowing climax, it was all I could do to hold out any longer. Finally, the moment that we had been building towards was upon us, and passed all too quickly.
Breathlessly we rolled together in the now damp grass. As the last deep orange glow of the long setting sun melted into the darkness of approaching night, we lay there still entwined in an amorous embrace. I kissed her long and lovingly, and whispered reassurance of how good she had been
She tenderly and sensuously licked my inner ear, then whispered, "Baaaa" and rejoined the flock.
This novel is only for sale in New Zealand, Wales, Aberdeenshire and certain parts of Yorkshire.
Three mischievous old ladies were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old man shuffled by. "We bet you that we can tell exactly how old you are." said one of the ladies.
The old gentleman replied "There's no way you can guess it, you silly old fools."
One of the grandmas said "Sure we can! Just strip naked and we can tell your exact age."
Intrigued, and more than a little embarrassed, he stripped.
The old women stared at him for a while, asked him to turn around a couple of times, then had him jump up and down for a while. Then they all piped up and said "You're 84 years old!"
The old guy is dumfounded and asked "How in the world did you guess?"
The old ladies hooted with laughter and said "We were at your birthday party yesterday."
A woman on her deathbed called her husband and asked him to open a box from under the bed. Inside he found 3 eggs and £7000 in cash. "What are the eggs for?" Asks the husband. She replied "every time we had crap sex i would put an egg in the box. "Not bad" says the husband, "3 eggs in 35 years. And the cash?"
She replies. "Every time i got a dozen i sold them......"
I came home from the pub four hours late last night."Where the feck have you been?" screamed my wife.I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes.""Playing poker with some blokes?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!""So can you," I said. "This isn't our house anymore."
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven...don't step on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!" The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The woman remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marrjuana... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are..
NAG NAG NAG An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get astay of execution for a client. His last minute plea for clemency to thegovernor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on himabout, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it' and on and on and on...... Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he pouredhimself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub,pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up thestairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was toldthat her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay ofexecution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to goup stairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of herhusband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR PITY'S SAKE WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVERSTOP?!'
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