I held the door open for a gorgeous blonde in the pub last night. My wife said "Youv'e never held the door open for me " I said "What about the time you threatened to leave !!"
I got home from the pub about midnight on Sunday. The wife was sat in a chair crying her eyes out in the dark. I could see some heartless swine had upset her, but i knew it wasn't me , because i hadn't been home since Thursday !! ..
I went to see the Psychiatrist today. He said ive got a split personality. He charged me £84 so i gave him £42 and told him to get the rest off the other bugger...
Bloke books a Taxi to take him to city centre,going along steady but decides to get out at junction so taps driver on shoulder. Driver screams,mounts kerb,just misses 3 pedestrians,back on road nearly hits bus ends up embedded in shop front. Bloke says fer christ sake mate! driver says sorry,1st day on job,drove hearse for last 20 years.
A blast from the past
Sorry about the "odd" formatting
I couldn't get it to c&p any other way
1999 Darwin Awards
One of the long awaited moments of each new year is the awarding of the Darwin Award. This prestigious award recognises those people, who through stupid and inane actions kill themselves, thus improving society by removing their genes from the gene pool. So here are the runners-up for this year's award.
(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guard-rail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below. The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgement and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.
(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching a solar eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit a bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.
(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.
(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
(1999, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.
(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100 -minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353% After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence (the bathroom), Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.
(28 January 1999, London) A flock of sheep charged a well-meaning British farmer's wife and pushed her over a cliff to her death. Betty Stobbs, 67, was charged by dozens of sheep as she brought them a bale of hay on the back of a power bike. The sheep rushed forward and rammed the vehicle, knocking Betty and her bike over the edge of a vacant 100' quarry near Durham, in north-eastern England. "I saw the sheep surround the bike. The next thing she was tumbling down the incline," neighbour Alan Renfry told reporters.
First Runner Up Award goes to ...
(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the south-eastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stamping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar.
And the 1999 Darwin Award winner is.....
(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two co-ordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutz amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions. Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering the terrorists to their well-deserved and fiery reward.
Something to amuse you ladies while I'm away this weekend
Men are like a fine wine. They start out as grapes. It'sour job to stomp them, and then keep them in the dark until theymature. And hopefully they'll turn out to be something we would liketo have dinner with.Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown.Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?Q: What's the best way to kill a man?A: Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Thentell him to pick only one.Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?A: Because it helps them remember which end they need towipe.Q: What is the difference between men and women:....A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need...A manwants every woman to satisfy his one need.Q: How does a man keep his youth?A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Banana Test> > Don't scroll past the animals until> you have decided upon your answer. Good Luck!> > The Banana Test> There is a very, very tall coconut> tree and there are 4 animals,> A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,> ......AND...> > A Squirrel> They decide to compete to see who is> the fastest to get a banana off the tree.> > Who do you guess will win?> > > Your answer will reflect your personality.> > > So think carefully . . ....> Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got> your answer?> > > Now scroll down to see the analysis.> > > :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> :> > > If your answer is:> > Lion = you're dull.> Chimpanzee = you're dense.> Giraffe = you're a complete moron.> Squirrel = you're hopeless.> > > A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.> > > Obviously you're stressed and overworked.> You should take some time off and relax>
The first sailing results are in from the Olympics...
Britain has taken Gold...
Usa have taken Silver....and
Somalia have taken a Middle aged couple from Weymouth !!!...
The train was quite crowded and a U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed French woman, but when he got there, he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.The woman shrieked, "Someone defend me! Put this American in his place!"An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
Dave was staring sadly into his pint of beer and sighed heavily.“What’s up Dave” asked the Publican…
“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”“It’s my four year old son…” Dave replied.“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? –
my lad’s just the same; – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the publican, sympathetically.“ I only wish it was that” continued Dave, “ but it’s far worse than that.
The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the Publican.“It’s not” said Dave… “the little bugger stuck a pin in all my condoms”.
I was visiting my niece last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers.
Here, you can borrow my iPad.'
I tell you, that fly never knew what hit it.
ok firstly i apologise that if you know nothing about Scottish football you'll not get this......
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Hodaiki a bright foreign exchange student from Japan , who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775', he said.'Very good!'Who said, 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'Again, no response except from Little Hodaiki: 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863'.'Excellent!' said the teacher continuing, 'let's try one a bit moredifficult...'Who said, 'Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?'Once again, Hodaiki's was the only hand in the air and he said:'John F. Kennedy, 1961'.The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Hodaiki isn't from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.'She heard a loud whisper: 'F..k the Japs.....,''Who said that? I want to know right now!' she angrily demanded.Little Hodaiki put his hand up, 'General MacArthur, 1945.'At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'The teacher glared around and asks, 'All right! Now who said that!?'Again, Little Hodaiki said, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'Now furious, another student yelled, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'Little Hodaiki jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, 'You little $hit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'Little Hodaiki frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson to the child witness testifying against him, 2004.'The teacher fainted.As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh $hit, We're screwed!'Little Hodaiki said quietly . . . . .‘ . . Ally McCoist, 2012.' <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
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