A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried, "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £150."
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."
An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your oceanside condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old
man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten
years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat
germ, and low-fat diets!"
lmao @gingerjen .....never a truer word spoken in jest!!
On January 9 a group of Pekin , Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off a Peoria bridge, so they stopped.
The leader, George a big burly man of 53, gets off his bike, walks through the gawkers, past the State Trooper, and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," he didn't want to miss a be-a-legend opportunity either, so he asked ... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another one.
After she's finished, George gets approval from his group, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper. He then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you are wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
The onlookers are still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed!
Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.The three men had always done everything together.Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'The mortician thought this was rather strange.So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.' The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two arseholes.''What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:There's Stew with them two arseholes.'
Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods curious he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself, as he ran home and started to tell his mother “Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane, I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off then Aunt Jane...” At this point Mummy cut him off and said “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time, I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.” <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
At the dinner table that evening Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story, Johnny started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs.” Mummy fainted! <o:p></o:p>
Moral: Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story before you interrupt! <o:p></o:p>
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vetpulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird'schest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head andsadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, haspassed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I meanyou haven't done any testing on him or anything.He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a blackLabrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked onin amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put hisfront paws on the examination table and sniffed theduck from top to bottom. He then looked up at thevet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it outof the room. A few minutes later he returned witha cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicatelysniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat backon its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly andstrolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken myword for it, the bill would have been $20, but with theLab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Be extremely careful what you purchase on EBAY.
A friend recently spent £50 for a penis enlarger..................three days later he recieved a magnifying glass.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
The instructions said don't use in the sunlight. <o:p></o:p>
a man goes into a pub and says "a pint of bitter for me and one for my dog".the landlord looks down and says"christ,that's the ugliest dog i ever saw,what breed is it?"the man says"it's a long nosed ,long tailed ,short legged lurcher!"the landlord says "ferocious is it?"the man says "you have no idea!!".the landlord says,"bet you twenty quid it couldn't beat my doberman"....ten minutes later,in pub backyard....landlord brings out biggest, most tooth infested Doberman on earth...GRRRRRRRRR!!man unhooks lead ,says"gerrim fifi!" dust rises as the fight blazes across the yard,then settles.....shredded doberman everywhere,eeeyuw!!"bloody hell,i've never seen any dog fight like that!"says the landlord"what breed did you say it was again??"the man pockets his twenty pound note and says"a long nosed ,long tailed ,short legged lurcher,but where i come from they call 'em alligators"...........!!
After watching the olympics I joined the local boxing club.
The trainer told me i should try skipping to get fitter.
After doing it for an hour he handed me a rope and said
"here use this, you won't look so gay"
The Blond In ChurchAn Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."Again, all was quiet. Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.Life is Short, Smile While You still have Teeth.
A woman goes to the doctors with a piece of lettuce sticking out of her panties.
The doc says"That doesnt look very nice"
She says "Thats just the tip of the iceberg"....
Police in Norfolk have confirmed that they have arrested the man who fell inside a combine harvester after trying to steal it - he is due to be bailed tomorrow...
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