I was sitting in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I turned round and this bloke shouts, "Thats for bloody starters !"
On Friday Evening the husband asked his wife romantically "Shall we have a nice weekend ???"
Wife: "Sure, why not??
Husband: "Ok then , see you Monday "......
I hated going to weddings.. all the grannies would point and say, "Your'e next!"...but i got my own back, when i went to funerals i did the same to them...
If cats always land on their feet...
and toast always lands butter side down...
what would happen if you attached a piece of toast butter side up to a cats back and threw them out a window?!
A blond kept having the same weird dream, so she went to her doctor and he asked her to describe it, "I am being chased by a vampire down a hallway. In every single dream, i come to this door. I keep pushing the door, but it wont budge !" Doctor replies: "did the door have any letters on it ?" Blond says :"Yes it said P U L L"
Female coppers are so much more better than male coppers. Mainly because they're so much more laid back, i mean, ive seen female coppers just randomly walk into stag parties and start getting their tits out!..
One day Little Johnny's class was having a discussion over what part of the body went to heaven first when you died.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "When you die, your heart
goes to heaven first because you have to love God to go there."
Next, this other little boy raises his hand and says, "I think when you
die your head goes to heaven first because you have to believe in God to
go there." Then, Little Johnny
raises his hand and says, "No you fucking idiots, you are all wrong!
When you die your feet go to heaven first!" Obviously confused, Little Johnny's teacher asks, "Little Johnny, why do you think that your feet go to heaven first?"
Little Johnny looked at her and said, "Last night I was walking past my
parents room and heard some weird noises so i opened the door and
looked in. My dad was doing something funny looking to my mom and she
had both feet stuck up in the air yelling 'Oh God! I'm cumming!
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