Paddy goes on a first aid course and the instructor asks wot would you do if your child swallowed the front door key ? Paddy says, climb in through the window.......................
I bumped into an old mate yesterday who i haven't seen for years . He said," What are you doing theses days?" I said,"I hand over clothes to poor people", he said,"That's very charitable of you ",I said, "Not really, im just a checkout assistant in Primark !"
I was just about to go speed dating and decided to ask my mate for advice. Just agree to anything she says. Ok . Got there sat down .this gorgeouse blonde sat down.and said .id just like to make it clear. Ops just realised i better go to over 18 forum for this one. No she didnt say that. I just did.
An American in London is sitting opposite an Englishman in a train. He
looks at the bowler hatted and suited gent and says "You English and
your stiff upper lips and no emotion. I have in me a bit of French
blood, a bit of Italian and even a bit of Swedish blood. What do you
thing of that?"
The Englishman replied "Jolly sporting of your mother"
This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.The driver got out and he was a dwarf.He said, "I'm not happy."I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"
MALE V FEMALE AT THE ATM A new sign in the Bank reads: 'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.' ******************************* MALE PROCEDURE: 1... Drive up to the ATM. 2. LOWER your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Raise window. 7. Drive off.. ******************************* FEMALE PROCEDURE: 1. Drive up to ATM machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.11. Enter PIN ... 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it. 18. Re-check makeup. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to ATM machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and drive off. 25. Redial person on mobile phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres. 27. Release Hand Brake. ...............
PML Centurion, so true of some of us women
An old one with a new twist.
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"And God saw it was good.On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"And God, again saw it was good.On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"And God agreed it was good.On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?""Okay," said God, "You asked for it."So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
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Good example of a Brain Study:
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Can you raed this? Olny 55 plepoe out of 100 can. I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseaethe huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it.
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My wife asked me if i had any fantasies... i said "Ive got this one where we pretend that we're complete strangers and have never met"... She said "What, and you pick me up in some bar?". I said "No... Just the first bit".
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