Gotta love us seniors..
During a visit to my doctor, i asked him,"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well ", he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub".
"Oh, i understand," i said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or teacup".
"No ", he said. "A normal person would pull the plug". " Do you want a bed near the window ?"
I bought the wife a bulldog the other day as a present. Despite the squashed nose,bulging eyes, slavering flabby lips, constant farting, and rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her !!
Paddy & Mick sat having a pint..... A lorry goes past with rolls of turf on, Paddy says" Im gonna do that when i win the lottery" Mick says,"Wot, drive a wagon "? Paddy says "No" ya thick , send my grass to be cut....
I rang the council this morning to ask if I could have a skip outside my house tomorrow. The bloke said 'sir, you can do cartwheels all around the block for allI care!'
The IRISH 999 CALL An Irish woman is cleaning her husband’s rifle and accidentally shoots him. She immediately dials 999. Irish woman: ''It's my fooken husband! I've accidentally shot him, I've fooken killed him!'' Operator: ''Please calm down Mam. Can you first make sure he is actually dead!''*click* .. *BANG* Irish woman: ''Okay, I've done dat..................... What's next?''
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?' 'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?' 'Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?' 'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.
I thought there was light at the end of the tunnel, but it was some bugga with a torch, bringing me more work.
~~~~~~~~~
Shepherds sometimes have STAFF meetings
(well this is the SILLY jokes thread, what did ya expect?)
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces."The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."The family members sat silently as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain..."The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,"Why is the male brain so much more?"The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
Its late fall and the Indian's on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming Winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldnt tell what the Winter was going to be lke .
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the Winter was indeed going to be cold and that members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But ,being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, and called the National weather service and asked " Is the coming Winter going to be cold ?"
"It looks like this Winter is going to be quite cold", the meteorologist said.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later , he called the Weather service again asking if it was going to be very cold in Winter.
"Yes they said once more." So he told his people to collect even more firewood.
Two weeks later the chief called the weather people again asking if they thought is was still going to be very cold..
This time the man said " Absolutely " Its going to be very very cold, the coldest ever..
"How do you know " asked the chief,
"Because the Indians are collecting shit loads of wood.".....
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