The Doctor drew the curtains around my hospital bed."I'm afraid it's bad news Mr Evans," he said. "The tumour is inoperable.. You have only weeks to live." "I'm not bothered," I nonchalantly replied.He looked at me curiously, "May I ask why not?""Certainly. My name's Foster. Mr Evans is in the bed opposite."
Paddy takes two stuffed dogs to the Antiques roadshow.
Ohh says the expert........"This is a very rare pair, produced by the celebrated John's Brothers, Taxidermists, who operated at the turn of the last centuary. Have you any ised what theres would fetch if they were in good condition "?
"Sticks "? Paddy relies...........
Allan, a mechanic, was removing a cylinder head from a Harley-Davidson motorbike, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon in his garage. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. Allan shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc can I ask you a question?' The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to Allan. Allan straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I also can open hearts, take valves out, fix'em, put in new parts and when I finish this will work just like a new one. So how come I work for a pittance and you get the really big money, when you and I are doing basically the same work?'The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered in Allan's ear, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'
A lorry loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed as it left a Manchester publishing house last Tuesday, according to the daily newspapers. When police caught up with the witnesses, they found them stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, punchy, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, boggled, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, and perplexed.
Royal Navy Officer Saves Life of Army Colleague in Horse-Back Riding Mishap Wokingham News, Berkshire, England. An Army Officer assigned to the Military Academy in Sandhurst narrowly escaped serious injury recently when he attempted horseback riding with no prior experience. After mounting his horse unassisted, the horse immediately began moving. As it galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the officer, Lieutenant Tommy Thomas, began to slip sideways from the saddle. Although attempting to grab for the horse's mane Thomas could not get a firm grip. He then threw his arms around the horse's neck but continued to slide down the side of the horse. The horse galloped along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, losing his grip, the Lieutenant attempted to leap away from the horse and throw himself to safety. His foot, however, became entangled in the stirrup, leaving him at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as his head and upper body repeatedly struck the ground. Moments away from unconsciousness, and probable death, to his great fortune Commodore Steve Cleary [RN Ret'd] shopping at Waitrose, saw him and quickly unplugged the horse.
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.' So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
A tough old buzzard who lived in the country counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life. The secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died.He left behind 14 children,30 grandchildren,45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren and a 15 metre crater where the crematorium used to be.
Las Vegas churches accept gambling chipsThis may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more catholic churches than casinos.Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips Rather than cash when the basket is passed.Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery For sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, saying "Anybody got a match?"
One day a mechanic was working late under a car and some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. "Wow! That stuff isn't too bad tasting" he thought. Next day he told his mate about tasting the brake fluid. "Not bad," he said. "Think I'll have a little more today." His friend got a little concerned but didn't say anything. Next day his mate told him about drinking a cup full of the brake fluid. "Great stuff! Think I'll have some more tomorrow." And so he did. A few days later he was up to a bottle a day, and told his friend "This brake fluid is really great stuff." His friend was now really worried. "You know that brake fluid is poison and really bad for you. You'd better stop drinking that stuff." "Hey, no problem," he said, "I can stop any time."
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A Police car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says "For fuck sake Paddy, that's your pine tree air freshener swinging about!"
In the year 2012, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans." He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark."Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?""Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval.I've been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system.My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure.We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!When I started gathering the animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BMEs I'm supposed to hire for my building team.The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark-building experience. To make matters worse, Customs and Excise seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?""No," said the Lord. "The British Government are already in the process of doing it."
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the misbehaving that was going on.So he called one of his angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.. When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not. God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good, because he wanted to encourage them and give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the e-mail said?Okay ..... Well, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.....
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