After reading some of the excellent examples of bad-jokemanship from GeoffB (hat's off to you, sir) I thought I'd post some of the (allegedly) worst jokes ever. The gauntlet has now been thrown down to see if anyone out there can go better than these...........
1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least one of them would have seen it2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?""No, because he's really heavy".14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"...How's that?" "Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!16. a) What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. 16. b) What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your oyster ... go for it."18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' "So that was nice of them."22. a) A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".22. b) "Doctor, doctor when I bend my arm like this it hurts." "Well don't do it!"23. <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" /><st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ireland</st1:place></st1:country-region>'s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.<?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
Top Four Adult Jokes
Fourth Place: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.' She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.' ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Third Place : One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.' The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. 'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?' ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. 'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked. 'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?' 'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed. 'Yes, I did.' he replied. 'My God, Bill, what happened?' 'I got fired.' 'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?' 'Oh...she got fired too.'----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Winner: A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.' 'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.' 'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. 'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.' 'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal
One dark morning ,
Black as ice
I was woken up so full of fright!
Rite behind me,
I cud hear.
A noise which drenched my soul with fear !
With trembling hand i switched the light,
My buttocks clenched extremely tight,
I turned & screamed for what i saw...
Was what i shagged the night before !
![The 23 (+2) Worst Jokes ever - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![The 23 (+2) Worst Jokes ever - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
