COMMON TOOLS DEFINED
DRILL PRESS: A
tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your
beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilser
which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans
paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with
the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh shit..."
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One
of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the
more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future
becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally
used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else
is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used
almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of
which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used
for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A
large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash
can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally
used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally
employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of
divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we
are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used
to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats,
vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines , refund
checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work
clothes, but only while in use.
DAMMIT TOOL: Any
handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
'DAMMIT!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need.
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