. Ancient <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Egypt</st1:place></st1:country-region> was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placetype w:st="on">Mount</st1:placetype> <st1:placename w:st="on">Cyanide</st1:placename></st1:place> to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Canada</st1:place></st1:country-region>.
4. Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of <st1:place w:st="on">Gaul</st1:place>. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out:"Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw.
13. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
14. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
15. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
16. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
17. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
18. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroicouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
19. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. <st1:city w:st="on">Milton</st1:city> wrote <st1:place w:st="on">Paradise</st1:place> Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote <st1:place w:st="on">Paradise</st1:place> Regained.
20. During the Renaissance <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">America</st1:place></st1:country-region> began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered <st1:country-region w:st="on">America</st1:country-region> while cursing about the <st1:place w:st="on">Atlantic</st1:place>. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Santa Fe</st1:place></st1:city>.
21. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
22. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
23. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Independence</st1:place></st1:city>. <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:city w:st="on">Franklin</st1:city></st1:place> discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Franklin</st1:place></st1:city> died in 1790 and is still dead.
24. Soon the Constitution of the <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">United States</st1:place></st1:country-region> was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
25. Abraham Lincoln became <st1:country-region w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">America</st1:place></st1:country-region>'s greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Lincoln</st1:place></st1:city> went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
26. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
27. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
28. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
29. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
30. The sun never set on the British Empire because the <st1:place w:st="on">British Empire</st1:place> is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen <st1:state w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Victoria</st1:place></st1:state> was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
32. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
hahahahhahahahhaha brilliant!!! my friend whos a teacher assures me kids are this dumb, he is an architect and during a quick test he asked,, what stops the smells coming up from the sewers in your bathroom?( the S bend on the loo ) to which 1 student answered,,, well my mum says toilet duck is best!!!!!
heres some more for you...the little darlings. Remember one day one of these will be running the country. Shoot me now!
GED TEST
The
following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are
genuine answers (from 16 year olds)............and they WILL
breed.
Q. Name the four seasons A. Salt,
pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by
which water can be made safe to drink A. Flirtation makes water safe to
drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep
and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed A. The sun shines
down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the
tides in the oceans A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the
moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no
water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun
joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist
on A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well
endowed
Q. In a democratic society, how important are
elections A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an
election
Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping
carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is
little hope)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age A.
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A. He says goodbye to
his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A. Premature
death
Q. What is artificial insemination A. When the
farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you
delay milk turning sour A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but
brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised
(e.g. The abdomen) A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium,
the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the
borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the
five bowels: A, E,I,O,U.. (wtf!)
Q. What
is the fibula? A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose'
mean? A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth
control A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium
(That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term
'Caesarean section' A. The caesarean section is a district in
Rome
Q. What is a seizure? A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a
fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick
at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an
example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature? A. Mushrooms.
They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas
Q.
Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A. Benign is
what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
Q. What is a
turbine? A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT The following is an actual question given on University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well: Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>
One student, however, wrote the following:<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
This gives two possibilities:<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
So which is it?<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be acold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."<o:p></o:p>
<o:p></o:p>
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+<o:p></o:p>
It's been 8 years since I read these, and posted in here, but I have a very bad memory so I've WML,😂🤣😂 all over again. Tears streaming down my face and coughing well. 👍
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