Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Today will be the best day of your life, if you can just remember ... er ... now what was that? Hmmm. If you can just remember something really important. Otherwise, no. Hmmm.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Today will be a great day for bargains. For example, you'll find a really amazing price on a flame-thrower, at the Army surplus store. A flame-thrower is one of those rare things that really creates a lasting first impression -- so you should definitely get it.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You will discover a new "5th law" of Thermodynamics. The first law says "you can't win." The second law says "you can't break even." The 5th law, however, says "never draw to an inside straight."
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: "Who Do You Want To Be Today?"
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Good day to begin that toothpick sculpture you've been thinking of. Of course, where you're actually going to put a life-sized toothpick sculpture of a rhinoceros is another matter.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically "jiggle a little thingy". While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance...
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect...
Capricorn (December 22 - January 20)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that's not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It's a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Aquarius (January 21 - February 18)
A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won't be laughing at you, you'll be laughing with you.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you'll never get rid of that irritating wobble.
![Todays Horoscopes - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8mobileLQ.jpg)
![Todays Horoscopes - Forums [Biker Match]](/images/backgrounds/strips/8desktopLQ.jpg)
