EPLACEMENT WINDOWS Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo!! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean I am automatically stupid. So I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, soI finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.
HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIPDEAR DIARY - DAY 1All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one, - and I can't wait!--------------------------------------------------------------DEAR DIARY - DAY 2Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.--------------------------------------------------------------DEAR DIARY - DAY 3At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.----------------------------------------------------------DEAR DIARY - DAY 4Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.--------------------------------------------------------------DEAR DIARY - DAY 5Pool again today. Got sunburned and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.--------------------------------------------------------------DEAR DIARY - DAY 6Today I saved 1600 lives.Twice.
An attractive blonde from Dublin arrived at the casino and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm 'completely nude'. With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!' As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed....'YES, YES, I WON, I WON!' She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?' The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.' MORAL OF THE STORY Not all Irish are stupid.. Not all blondes are dumb, But all men are men.
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